TACKLING BITCHY – PART FOUR & FINAL THOUGHTS

Bear with me, folks. This has been a long series experiment and this post will be the mother of all posts related to earlier said post. Too much posting? For those of you new to the series, this is, as stated, part four of my examination of 100 attraction principles as outlined in the book Why Men Love Bitches. If I have not stated this before, I should note for the record (is there really a record?) that I have not read the book. Nor do I intend to because such books nauseate me. However, I do understand that there are men and women schlepping this pebble who don’t feel they have the world’s greatest insight on relationships and hope that these manifestos will help them bone up. I can tell you from 40 years of experience in dealing with the male-female dictum that you will never, not by the end of your life, get it. Relationships are the most fluid entity on the planet and no matter how many “rules” one might lay out for how to deal with the opposite sex, they are not universal because they deal with emotion and feeling which are as unique to you as fingerprints. Alas, my job is to provide the catalyst for discussion and thought provocation. I hope you find that here.

You can find Part one of the series here. And part deux. And part the third.

76. He’ll never respect you as being able to hold your own unless you can stand on your own two feet financially.

This is always an interesting discussion. Finance, more than any other aspect of merging lives, causes the most downfall – people do not communicate well about money. Especially in relationships. But the short version answer for advice is that what you make is not as important as what you do. If you have a job and its just that – a vehicle to pay the bills, don’t sweat it. A lot of us go that route, especially early in our work life. If you have a passion rather than a job, make sure you demonstrate that passion and he will respect you because you have respect for your chosen passion. If he doesn’t, dump him like a sack of rotten peaches.

77. You have to show that you won’t accept mistreatment. Then you will keep his respect.

You shouldn’t accept mistreatment. This is not just a female thing, however, and it goes back to self-esteem.

78. Your pink slip is maintained when you can stand on your own–with him or without him. He should never feel that you are completely as his mercy.

Again, surrender is merited when both parties surrender to one another. He won’t feel you are at his mercy if he treats your respectfully as his mother hopefully taught him to do. If he Lords things over you, ditch him.

79. When a man views a woman as a “little girl” or a sister he has to take care of, the passion diminishes. He doesn’t want to make love to his sister.

I call BS on this. In the male world, we may not want to make love to our sisters, but the fact that our sister is passingly attractive does not go unnoticed. Further, if most relationships boil down to the affections we had for parents, we are looking for familiar traits in women that echo the traits in the women we grew up with. Plus, there’s a lot of guys into the submissive woman. That does not mean you should be a doormat, but your cuteness will sometimes go a long way.

80. The ability to choose how you want to live, and the ability to choose how you want to be treated are the two things that give you more power than any material object ever will.

True. Other than maybe a taser. That seems to give women a LOT of power. And a big-ass rottweiler. That gives you a ton of power when men realize that dog’s head is huge, full of teeth, and right at crotch level.

81. In a relationship of any kind, if one person feels the other person isn’t bringing anything to the table, he or she will begin to disrespect that person.

While I don’t advocate the “baller/scrub” mentality of modern dating, I will say that the rules of attraction can be confounding at times. We may find ourselves attracted to someone who seems like “a hopeless case” and want to work to restore that person to some perceived glory. We must resist this urge because it causes us to fall into co-dependency. But people can be overlooked for what they provide – emotional support, relief, love – simply because they are not career-oriented or ambitious. Thus, this line must be walked carefully.

82. Financial neediness is no different than emotional neediness; in both instances, he can still get the feeling that he has a 100 percent hold on you.

Many cases have been made for the independent woman. I would suggest that if you are looking for a man because you need to pay rent, you need to move back in with your parents and stop looking for men.

83. Regardless of how pretty a woman is, looks alone will not sustain his respect. Appearance may pull him in, but it is your independence that will keep him turned on.

Actually, it’s a lot of things that will keep him turned on. Sure, independence will be attractive to some. So will laughter. Eagerness in the bedroom. Care. Compassion. Athletics. Love of dogs. Don’t stress too much over this.

84. When a man is very consumed with not being taken advantage of, this is a sign that he’s “on the take.”

I’m not sure this is correct, though it has the probability of signaling that something is wrong. Or the fella has just been hurt by other independent, strong women. That doesn’t make him a robber; it makes him cautious.

85. People will show you they have self-respect simply by virtue of the fact that they want to carry their own weight.

True.

86. The more independent you are of him, the more interested he will be.

As long as you can walk the fine line between independent and distant, sure. But forcing yourself to be independent in order to gain respect or to prove that you are your own woman is simply forcing yourself to be someone you may not be. And you are putting on a front for him that might be confusing. Being independent is one thing; trying to be independent is altogether something else.

87. If you make it too obvious that you’re excited to get something, some people will be tempted to dangle a carrot in front of your face.

And if you bury a statue of a Catholic saint in your front yard, your house might sell faster. I’m not sure where wisdom like this comes from. If you are excited about something, be excited. Genuine emotion is all too rare.

88. When you alter the routine, your not being there is what will make him come around. Men don’t respond to words. What they respond to is no contact.

I honestly think I have seen this earlier in the 100. But men, actually, do respond to words. We just don’t use as many as women do. But we do listen to what you say, especially if you couch it in a way of saying “This is what matters to me.”

89. Don’t give a reward for bad behavior.

Don’t tolerate bad behavior.

90. He simply won’t respect a woman who automatically goes into overdrive to please him.

It depends on the context. We like women who go into overdrive sometimes. But if you are being false, if you are being disingenuine about how you feel in order to create yourself as something you are not, he will leave you. And he should.

91. If he doesn’t give you a time, you don’t have a date.

Fair enough.

92. Often the best way to adjust or fix the problem is by not letting him know it’s being fixed. When you alter your availability or change a predictable routine, it will mentally pull him back in.

Often, the best way to fix a problem is to be honest about a problem. If you don’t think you are seeing your man enough, don’t do something stupid to get his attention like stop communicating with him. If he feels he has to up and “fix” the relationship all the time, it will become that never-ending project like the muscle car in the garage. He’ll see it as work and he’ll let dust gather on it.

93. Once you start laughing, you start healing.

True.

94. You can get away with saying much more with humor than you can with a straight face.

Depending on what you are saying. “I just pushed your Grandma down the stairs” isn’t particularly well-received in either format and both should freak him out.

95. A man feels he’s won, or conqured a woman, when she eats out of the palm of his hand. At which point, he begins to get bored.

If you are with a man who considers you a conquest rather than a potential partner, you need to walk away. Right. Now.

96. The tension that arises with a slightly bitchy woman gives a subtle feeling of danger to a man. He feels slightly unsure because she is never in the palm of his hand.

Actually, women use this descriptor for men as well. The “mystery” is what keeps women coming back. Mystery, rather than true intimacy, leads to insecurity.

97. A “yes” woman who gives too much sends the impression that she belives in the man more than she believes in herself. Men view this as weakness not kindness.

At the same time, we want our women to be proud of us. No matter the situation, we want to believe that you believe in us because that can lift us higher than a thousand compliments from men. We long to know you have our back and that it’s “us against the world.”

98. Be an independent thinker at all times, and ignore anyone who attempts to define you in a limiting way.

Fair enough.

99. Truly powerful people don’t explain why they want respect. They simply don’t engage someone who doesn’t give it to them.

On the other hand, most truly powerful people have earned respect before they walk in the door.

100. The most attractive quality of all is dignity.

Amen.

Final Thoughts

It occurs to me that the author of Why Men Love Bitches has had a romantic life that can be described, at best, as tumultuous. It also strikes me that she runs in a circle of highly professional men who have a leaning towards aloofness, career-drive, and nightly romantic conquests. Of course, I could be way off base, but this is the general feeling I get as I read through 100 points of disdain for women who are perceived as weak. But we must remember that the perception of weaker women is one that lingers from our caveman days when the roles of hunter-gatherer men and women who birth, raise and cook were the societal ideals. I am sure that the first priestess in those groups to emerge was reviled as breaking all the male-created stereotypes of the day. It also probably turned on a number of the menfolk. Just sayin.

The bottom line to relationships is respect, but that is such a nebulous idea when two people are entering the dating arena. It’s a an uneasy position for both of them fueled by feelings they can’t quite define. It’s like standing on a rope bridge made out of wax; it seems firm and may hold our weight but our foot might go right through the bridge on the next step. Or it could be a hot day and bridge is melting. Insert any of a dozen wax-related analogies here. The truth is that we never know what we are doing so we must endeavor to raise up the person across the dinner table from us. If we all start from a position of mutual respect and slowly reveal ourselves, we should be well-received. If we are not, that person is not right for us. Overthinking something like relationships that exist only in the most tenuous of positions can move you into a constant state of worry. In doing so, you abandon yourself and strive to be someone you think the other person wants you to be. But that’s often a false read on the situation and leads to more pain that you could ever imagine. The other person will eventually suss out what you are doing and feel like you have put up a false front, which you did. When they confront you, you will feel betrayed because you put so much effort into the relationship.

You both end up feeling stung. 

So, to sum up:

Men: Respect her at all times. Listen to her. Protect her. Show her affection. Above all, be honest with her and toss out all of these notions of what you think women should be and appreciate the amazing creature she is.

Women: Stop playing stupid games. We hate it. We’re not some project that needs to be manipulated for us to love and respect you. We are guys. And despite the stereotypes, we can listen, respond and care without some underlying ploy. Don’t ever – and I mean ever – base your self-worth on the opinions of other people. You are magical, wonderful, intelligent, sexy, beautiful and courageous. And if anyone tells you otherwise, set that Rottweiler i mentioned earlier on them.

TACKLING BITCHY – PART THREE

This is the third part and second continuation of my ‘Tackling Bitchy” series in which I address the 100 attraction principles found in the book Why Men Love Bitches. You can read the first post here.

 

51. The relationship may not be right for you if you find yourself jumping through hoops. When something is right, it will feel easier and much more effortless.

Absolutely true. Which presents just a big heaping helping of irony when you consider this list, which seems to be all about the hoops.

52. When you nag, he tunes you out. But when you speak with your actions, he pays attention.

Doesn’t everyone tune out naggers?

53. When a man takes a woman for granted, he still looks for reassurance that she is still “right there.”

True.

54. When the routine becomes predictable, he’s more likely to give you the same type of love he had for his mother–and the odds that he will take you for granted increase.

I think the odds that we take a partner for granted increase daily in any relationship. That’s why we call it a relation-SHIP. Like a regular ship, if we fail to steer it, pay attention to the way the wind is blowing, make sure the engine runs well and keep up with maintenance, the ship fails. The idea of the mother-lovin’ is a bit disturbing. I cannot personally recall loving ANY woman like my mother.

55. Negative attention is still attention. It lets a man know that he has you–right where he wants you.

Ok.

56. When you treat him casually as though he’s a friend, he’ll come your way. Because he wants things to be romantic, but he also wants to be the pursuer.

Sometimes. Men like to be pursued, too. Don’t buy in to too much of the movie-style stereotypes being thrown about here. Not all men are commitment-fearing apes.

57. A little distance combined with the appearance of self-control makes him nervous that he may be losing you.

And is that what you want? A man feeling insecure about the relationship you have? Because that’s not a foundation for true intimacy. It’s a foundation for distrust. Seriously, WTF?

58. A man takes a woman for granted when he’s interested, but will no longer go out of his way.

So he will no longer go out of his way to take a woman for granted? I think a man who takes a woman for granted will take a woman for granted at any depth. Because he’s a tool, not a man.

59. When you nag, you become the problem, and he deals with it by tuning you out. But when you don’t nag, he deals with the problem.

He may also deal with the problem if YOU present it as a problem. Men are, by nature, fixers. We like to fix things, even those of us who don’t grasp which end of the power tool to hold.

60. If you take his chores away from him and praise someone else for doing it, he’ll want his chores back.

Unless he’s happy to have someone else do his chores. For example, its my job to clean the house. When I have maids do it, I don’t cry about it. I’m damn happy they cleaned the house. Also, I don’t own huge ladders. Therefore, I hire men to come and clean my gutters. My wife praises them for doing a great job. That stirs absolutely…nothing in me. I’d rather they fight the hobgoblin of my gutters than me.

61. When you nag, he sees weakness.

Or he just sees nagging. So don’t do it.

62. He perceives an emotional woman as more of a pushover.

Perhaps, but many men see emotional women as compassionate.

63. In the same way that familiarity breeds contempt, a slightly aloof demeanor can often renew his respect.

Or make him ask why you are grumpy. Because aloofness in a relationship doesn’t come across as aloofness…it comes across as “something is wrong.”

64. He’ll forget what he has in you, unless you remind him.

I’d use this as a case for doing your best to invest yourself in the relationship. We should all make efforts to remind the other that we care about them and their value to us. Today, I put a little note in my wife’s pajamas she was packing for a business trip. When she arrived at her destination and pulled out her pajamas, she found the note. It made her night. It took me five minutes, but it reminded her that I loved her and was thinking about her. We don’t have to go over the top to show others that we care. Sometimes, we can use Napoleon’s plan: we just show up.

65. Many women talk a lot out of nervousness–which is something that men will often perceive as insecurity.

Heh, I just think women talk a lot. Period.

66. Talking about feelings to a man will feel like work. When he’s with a woman, he wants it to feel like fun.

Sure, I think everyone feels this way. But I talk about feelings, too, especially when comes to areas in which I want my wife’s feedback. Because she’s brilliant.

67. Forcing him to talk about feelings all the time will not only make you seem needy, it will eventually make him lose respect. And when he loses respect, he’ll pay even less attention to your feelings.

Doing any activity the same way over and over will engender a sense of contempt, no?

68. In the beginning, the only thing you need to pay attention to is whether he keeps coming around, because he’ll only be able to suspend or hide his emotions for so long.

With caution, I can say this is mostly true.

69. Men treat women the way they treat other men. They “play it cool: because they don’t want to appear weak or desperate.

I do not treat women like I treat men. I don’t believe most men do that.

70. The element of suprise both inside and outside of the bedroom is important to men, and it adds to the excitement.

This is true of all sexual relationships whether you are male or female.

71. Don’t always do the same thing over and over in the bedroom. Vary it so that it doesn’t become a predictable routine.

See above.

72. Most men tend to disrespect a woman who appears to be too malleable.

True, we like “spirit.” But we would like that in a man relationship, too.

73. Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself or speak your mind. It will not only earn his respect, in some cases it will even turn him on.

This should be your personality even when not in a relationship.

74. Men often automatically assume that a bitchier woman will be more assertive in bed, and that a nice girl will be more timid.

Well, we typically assume that an aggressive woman will be aggressive in or out of the sack. However, some of the most amusing surprises in the bedroom have come from those who appear to be the librarian and turn out to be quite the opposite.

75. When a man falls in love, suddenly he’ll go out of his way and think nothing of it. He’ll do things for this woman he wouldn’t have done for anyone else.

I think this is true of anyone who falls in love.

A CALL TO ARMS AGAINST PEDOPHILIA

Relationships are complex. We are not born into a world where we can choose our families, and in some respects, we are not of the ability to choose to whom we are attracted.

That doesn’t mean there aren’t lines. 

About 20 years ago, I attended a party at a convention in which my fellow attendees and I were required to wear colored dots on our name badges. There were three colors, each indicating a certain aspect. One color indicated that the wearer was straight, one that the wearer was gay and the other to indicated that the wearer was bi-sexual. In many ways, it made the evening very fun and easy-going because everyone knew where everyone else stood in the sexual arena. Almost everyone at the party was single, and the system was designed to promote a hassle-free environment wherein a heterosexual like myself could mingle and flirt without worrying that I might be made uncomfortable by someone of the same sex hitting on me.

Would that the world was this way. That no one had to be made uncomfortable or to deny who they were because of their sexual orientation and that it might offend another. For now, we live our lives in a tenuous web of interpersonal relationships that may or may not make us uncomfortable or self-demonizing. Generally, we live in an uneasy harmony.

There is a group asking for a seat at that table, and to be honest, I’d rather hit them with the chair than offer it to them as a place to rest.

At a recent conference, a group called B4U Act was discussing the rights of the pedophile. No, you read that right. They were holding a discussion on the best ways to normalize the attraction to minors. Jacob Breslow, a gay-rights activist and a speaker at the conference, said that there should be no stigma associated with the attraction to children. In fact, Breslow suggested that consent from a child wasn’t necessary for a minor-attracted person to perform a sex act on “it” anymore than one need seek permission to perform a sex act on a shoe. His discussion, from the firsthand accounts of those who were there, seemingly advocated that child rape was “natural” and should be condoned.

Read that again. He advocated that child rape was “natural.”

My sons, from their first breaths, have relied on me to be a protector. In fact, I feel that role is placed upon me for all children simply by virtue of being a parent. As a person who has investigated the crime of commercial sexual exploitation, sometimes dealing with children, I am acutely aware of the psychology of the predator. I am also acutely aware of the sexual development of children. I remember my own feelings around age 12 and 13 for girls who were my age and older. I get that the pre-teen years and especially the teen years are a time of sexual awakening as we discover through constant trial and error who we are as individuals and begin on our path to adulthood. But I also knew, at the age of 13, that feelings of sexual attraction to an 8-year-old would be abnormal. (Just to be clear – I have never been attracted to children) It wasn’t just because society had implanted a normative feeling that attraction to minors was a sexual taboo, but it came from an innate sense that certain milestones happen at certain ages. That our bodies become biologically available for sex at certain ages.

That those ages were not early childhood. 

Courts in Texas have ruled that children who are not of the age of consent are not able to be criminally prosecuted if lured into commercial sex acts. This wasn’t done to promote the commercial sexual exploitation of children, but to shield them from the justice system once they have been victimized by child predators. But it was not an arbitrary ruling. There is a point at which we, as a society, must set limitations on behavior that is destructive.

The pedophile community argues that it is no different than homosexuals. They use the same argument that such behavior is not learned or chosen, but rather part of their inherent emotional makeup. I think the same argument could be made for a serial killer. Clearly, a serial killer is a deviant individual who takes pleasure in some way from the murder of another person. Yet, the murderer is robbing that person of their rights and without asking for any kind of consent. The child predator does the same. It seeks a sexual encounter with a non-consenting child who may or may not fully understand the concept of sex.

This group is small, but it is active. It’s active in the scientific community, pushing the boundaries of “acceptable sex.” I’m far from one to dwell on the inner workings of a couple’s boudoir, and that means if they get down while dressed up like Big Bird and Barney, far be it from me to scoff at what gets them off. Once that activity becomes a danger to children – who these pedophiles claim are rarely sexually assaulted or forced into a sex act – it’s no longer a question of what is permissible in the sexual arena. It’s a matter of protection. This is not about repression. When a child reaches adulthood, they should have the support of the community to have a vibrant and fulfilling sex life. Until that time, however, we must draw a line in the sand.

Pedophilia must never find footing in civil society.

TRAMPIRES, INFIDELITY AND WHAT EVERY YOUNG WOMAN SHOULD KNOW

Great quote from a recent HuffPo article:

“Part of the reason that Robsten doesn’t matter to me, however, is that I am not a young woman today, and I’m glad that I’m not. For any girl growing up who pays attention to the media, it’s a terrifying time to understand what it means to be a girl in society. From Rush Limbaugh, they’ve learned that they are prostitutes and “sluts” for wanting birth control and healthy reproductive options for women. From Todd Akin, they’ve learned that their bodies can magically judo chop any unwanted side effects of rape and that women somehow can be “illegitimately” raped. From Paul Ryan, they’ve learned that rape is just “another method of conception,” which should be news to the makers of the Kama Sutra. And then Rape Culture Super-Defender Mike Huckabee chimed in by saying that “rape can create extraordinary people,” because young women everywhere desperately needed his opinion on this issue. Thanks, Huck.”

First, Mike Huckabee is a fool. Which is a sad statement, because Huckabee is actually a very likable, erudite man. Apparently, though, with his foot in his mouth.

Second, all young women should read this article, which can be found here.

Third, we then all need to take a breath.

I think what the article here glosses over is that the Stewart was wrong. It’s not a cause to launch a massive negative media campaign about here and come up with trendy and genius names, constantly embarrassing her and endangering her career. What should put her career in danger is that she is the worst actress of all time, and that includes that drag queen chick from Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. But I digress.

As the article clearly points out, there’s a lot of older white guys like me telling all of the young women in America what to do with their bodies and how we’ll judge them based on the actions they take in life. But in that, some basic lessons are being overlooked. I personally don’t care who Kristen Stewart dates, has sex with, or goes skeet shooting with. It’s just not on my radar. However, I do teach young women in discipleship classes and I worry that the lack of consideration of role model behavior – like Stewart’s – is a problem given her teen idol status. And it’s an important discussion to have.

Whether male or female, cheating on your girlfriend/spouse/ whatever is wrong. Just plain wrong. Even if the relationship you are in is dead or destructive, you need to exit that relationship cleanly before starting up romance with another. This is a pretty simple concept. It goes to the honor of young men and women, a consideration we have all but buried in the modern age. A man or woman who will cheat with you, knowing you are in another relationship, is dishonoring not just you, but your significant other.

And if they will dishonor you for something as freely given as sex, they will dishonor you in many, many other areas. But get that first point through your head – if he will cheat with you, he likely doesn’t respect you. So why would you want to be with that person? Your self-esteem should be greater than that.

Relationships of all kinds are about trust. It’s not about free love, polyamory, or anything else you want to play it off as – its about trusting the other person. If you want to have multiple lovers, you better make that clear to the one you are dating because their agenda – right or wrong – may just differ on that point. If you respect them, you will be honest with them.

By the way, unlike the author of this article, I don’t consider infidelity a “mistake.” It’s not like you were walking across a room, tripped over a bump in the rug and accidentally had sex with someone. It doesn’t work that way. It’s a choice, plain and clear. If you make that choice, you are not making a mistake, you are deliberately saying that your current relationship has less value than the act you are undertaking.

I listened once to a great interview with former heavy metal rocker Alice Cooper. Despite hundreds of concerts on dozens of tours, Cooper remained faithful to his wife. Asked how he did it, he gave a very literate and common sense response. He said that his relationship with his wife (now of 36 years) was a deep, romantic coupling. He responded to the question with a question – why would anyone trade 5 minutes of orgasmic bliss with a one-night stand for the entire relationship developed over years that has a much more exciting, and emotionally deeper sexual component? It just didn’t make sense to him.

TACKLING BITCHY – PART TWO

So today we continue dissecting the 100 Attraction Principles as stated in the book Why Men Love Bitches.

26. Bad habits are easier to form than good ones, because good habits require conscious effort. Waiting encourages this effort.

Fair point.

27. If you pull the sexual plug at the last minute, he’ll label you a tease.

Fair point again.

28. If he makes you feel insecure, let your insecurity be your guide.

I have no idea what she means. I assume that if the man makes you feel insecure, then examine why you feel insecure. Identify that and then be honest with him. If it is merely vulnerability you feel because of your feelings for him, rejoice. That’s what we call love. The best comparison is that when you are falling in love, it feels like leaning all the way back in a chair to the point where it begins to topple backward and just at the last second, you catch yourself.

29. A quality guy fantasizes about a woman who genuinely loves sex.

True story.

30. Any time a woman competes with another woman, she demeans herself.

True.

31. When there is that undeniable “spark,” there is only one key to the lock.

Kinda obvious.

32. Let him think he’s in control. He’ll automatically start doing things you want done because he’ll always want to look like “a king” in your eyes.

Again with the mind games. Control, control, control. Machiavelli never felt so Machiavellian.

33. When you cater to his ego in a soft way, he doesn’t try to get power in an aggressive way.

I would say that is basic psychology for dealing with anyone, but that would be obvious. And we wouldn’t want that, would we?

34. When you appear softer and more feminine, you appeal to his instinct to protect. When you appear more aggressive, you appeal to his instinct to compete.

True, but the essence of this is how comfortable a man is with power. If the lust for winning and power is what drives a man rather than meaning, then you will have to come to terms with that. If a man is threatened by a woman who is educated, forthright and strong, then he needs to find a meeker woman. Do not lower your standards just because you worry about being alone. I can understand a woman believing that any man is better than nothing, but I don’t understand how women believe they have nothing in the first place.

35. He’ll let a woman who becomes his doormat pay for dinner on the first couple of dates, but he wouldn’t think of it with his dreamgirl.

If he’s a real man, it will be an agreement initially or he will pay. Class and style are not sacrificed because you might not be “the one.”

36. The token power position is for public display, but the true power position is for private viewing only. And this is the only one that matters.

I find this incongruous with the rest of her statements.

37. If you give him a feeling of power, he’ll want to protect you and he’ll want to give you the world.

Or, if he’s into you, he will want to do that. If he feels he is being manipulated, he will run – not walk – from you.

38. When a woman acts as though she’s capable of everything, she gets stuck doing everything.

That’s complete BS.

39. Men don’t respond to words. They respond to no contact.

Holy Sex Threats, Batman! I’m a man and I respond to words. I also respond to kisses, hugs, affection, and cheer. I also respect bacon, SEC football and dogs. If you want attention and you decide that you are going to get all Pavlovian about things and withhold affection so that he senses something is wrong, you’re a fool. Because in the vein of learning about your communication style, you will have to constantly disengage to get him to engage. It’s a slippery slope that leads to frustration on his part.

40. Talking about the “relationship” too much takes away the element of the “unknown” and thus the mystery.

At some point, the mystery vanishes. It’s called “getting to know you.” Once the two of you reach that stage, you are together. And then you have to work at the relationship. That’s the way the world turns, sports fans.

41. Men respect women who communicate in a succinct way, because it’s the language men use to talk to one another.

This is true.

42. When you are always HAPPY; And he is always free to GO; he feels LUCKY.

True. But you should strive to be happy, anyway. For your own personal well-being, not for someone else.

43. If you allow your rhythm to be interrupted, you’ll create a void. Then, to replace what you give up, you’ll start to expect and need more from your partner.

Whatever the hell that means. Listen, chiquitas, you are either going to invest in your partner or you are not. What you put into the relationship is largely what defines what you will get out of it. We all come to need our partner to a degree. It doesn’t mean you have lost control, it means you have allowed yourself to need someone and to rely on someone. Scary, sure, but a key part of developing something deeper.

44. Most women are starving to receive something from a man that they need to give to themselves.

This could not be more on target. I’ve met many women in my life who were smart, strong women who saw themselves as something quite less.

45. A woman looks more secure in a man’s eyes when he can’t pull her away from her life, because she is content with her life.

Anyone looks this way.

46. The second a woman works overtime to make herself fit his criteria, she has lowered the standard of that relationship.

True.

47. You jump through hoops any time you repeatedly make it very obvious you’re giving your “all.”

No. You jump through hoops when you jump through hoops. Being “all in” does not make you weak.

48. You have to keep from being sucked down into quicksand. Unless you maintain control over yourself, the relationship is doomed.

Sometimes we must lose control.

49. Jumping through hoops often has a negative outcome: He sees it as an opportunity to have his cake and eat it, too. But when you stay just outside his reach, he’ll stay on his best behavior.

Oooorrrrr, he’ll see you as disengaging and distant.

50. The nice girl gives away too much of herself when pleasing him regularly becomes more important than pleasing herself.

This is true of all people.

Quick diagnosis – someone hurt the author of this book in some way that was very deep and it involved having a large amount of control over her life. The active word in today’s 25 is “control” and it could not be more antithetical to emotions. We control ourselves when we are buying a car – getting emotional there leads to bad business decisions. But a relationship that is built to last is not about control; its about when and how to release part of yourself to the other person. Truth and respect are the only controls in relationships. The rest of it is abandoning yourself fully to that other person. Listen closely – it has to be mutual. One person in a relationship abandoning their control in favor of joining together doesn’t work. Trust. It has “us” right there in the middle.

TACKLING BITCHY – THE 100 ATTRACTION PRINCIPLES, Part 1

So, this list comes from the book Why Men Love Bitches, and it horrifies me. Ok, perhaps “horrify” is a little over-dramatic, but it gets the point across. I have some serious problems with this stuff and I’ll try, briefly, to address each one of them from the perspective of a guy who genuinely loves women in general and loves his one woman most. This comes as a result of a post by LoveAshley.net. She’s worth reading because she’s honest. Guys, do yourself a favor and read some female bloggers. You will learn a lot about the psyche of women.

1. Anything a person chases in life runs away.

There are things worth chasing.

2. The women who have the men climbing the walls for them aren’t always exceptional. Often, they are the ones who don’t appear to care too much.

I will say that for some men, this is true. But it smacks of playing games. If you like a man, tell him. Be plain. Be up front and truthful, always. Relationships built on shenanigans crumble.

3. A woman is perceived as offering a mental challenge to the degree that a man doesn’t feel he has a 100 percent hold on her.

A woman should be independent, but the fallacy of this is in the “hold” statement. I feel like I have a 100 percent hold on my wife; that doesn’t mean that I control her, but that I am confident of her love for me and me alone. I have no fear of adultery. In layman’s terms, we call it “trust.”

4. Sometimes a man deliberately won’t call, just to see how you’ll respond.

Aaaaaaaaaaaand…those men are idiots. Don’t play those games.

5. If you start out dependent, it turns him off. But if it is something he can’t have, it becomes more of a challenge for him to get it.

Again with the games. Dependent is different than “interested.” I’ve seen women play the “hard to get” card enough times that they missed out on a guy who was into them. He read her “challenge” as disinterest and moved on to someone who made him feel valued.

6. It is your attitude about yourself that a man will adopt.

This has some merit, though I am not sure “adopt” is the right syntax here. If you are confident and strong, you will be perceived as such.  But this is more about your own feelings of self-worth. No one respects someone who doesn’t respect themselves.

7.  Act like a prize and you’ll turn him into a believer.

Or, he’ll move on to the next carnival booth. Could go either way.

8. The biggest variable between a bitch and a woman who is too nice is fear. The bitch shows that she’s not afraid to be without him.

I guess this relates to being “too clingy.” This you just have to work out for yourself as to the level of affection you show at what stage in the relationship. But it’s exactly that – relational – and cannot be governed by rules.

9. If the choice is between her dignity and having a relationship, the bitch will prioritize her dignity above all else.

As should anyone. But rarely is this about generalizations. If a man treats you disrespectfully, run. Period.

10. When a woman doesn’t give in easily and doesn’t appear docile or submissive, it becomes more stimulating to obtain her.

The same could be said of hunting a wild boar. Are you a woman or a game animal?

11.  Being right on the verge of getting something generates a desire that has to be satisfied.

The psychology behind this is that the initial attraction and your personality are not enough. That someone has to be manipulated into a relationship. That’s not the case. I’m not a bass chasing after a sparkly lure. If I found you attractive, you need to be you. Because after the manipulation is gone, I’m left with you. The part of you that wears sweatpants and doesn’t always wear makeup and makes funny noises when she laughs. If I can’t be happy with that, our relationship will never last.

12. A man knows which woman will give in to last-minute requests.

Booty call? Have respect for yourself. Otherwise, not sure where this is going.

13. Whether you have terms and conditions indicates whether you have options. Almost immediately, you present yourself as a doormat or a dreamgirl.

Or, you could just be an attorney. Seriously? Who wants to date someone who says, “I’d like to date you, but here’s my terms and conditions under which I will make this happen.” No one. You can make these apparent as he gets to know you.

14. If you smother him, he’ll go into defense mode and look for an escape route to protect his freedom.

Perhaps. Unless he’s into you. Romance is crazy that way.

15. Whenever a woman requires too many things from a man, he’ll resent it. Let him give what he wants to give freely; then observe who he is.

Agreed.

16. A bitch gives a man plenty of space so he doesn’t fear being trapped in a cage. Then..he sets out to trap her in his.

W.T.F. Perhaps the art of romance involves working to impress a woman, to show her that she is valuable to him. Beyond that, again, are you a game animal?

17. If you tell him you are not interested in jumping into a relationship with both feet, he will set out to try to change your mind.

Bullshit. If he wants a relationship, he wants a relationship. He’s not being coy. AND, if you force him into a relationship through manipulation, he will end up feeling trapped or not value you. Either way, he’ll likely bail or betray you. And he’ll be justified because you decided to play immature games with his affections.

18. Always give the appearance that he has plenty of space. It gets him to drop his guard.

Unless you are in an elevator. Or revolving door. Or bed.

19. More than anything else, he watches to see if you’ll be too emotionally dependent on him.

I am not sure men are “watching” for anything. We date out of a primal urge to mate and we are looking for the woman who makes us laugh, who makes us feel sexy and who makes us feel like we are a complete man. We look for the women who, by mere association, make us better people.

20. He must feel that you choose to be with him, not that you need to be with him. Only then will he perceive you as an equal partner.

Not bad advice. The relationship must be equal as often as possible. But there are trade offs. I am taller than my wife, so she asks me to reach things on shelves above her. That doesn’t make her less equal. It means my strengths combine with her weaknesses and vice versa so that we are truly partners.

21. If a man has to wait before he sleeps with a woman, he’ll not only perceive her as more beautiful, he’ll also take him time to appreciate who she is.

As a general rule, yes. It’s not only slightly more moral, but its safer.

22. Sex and the “spark” are not one and the same.

True.

23. Before sex, a man isn’t thinking clearly and a woman is thinking clearly. After sex, it reverses. The man is thinking clearly and the woman isn’t.

Possibly, but not sure what the implication is. If you are at the sex point and you have spent time getting to know each other, the above doesn’t matter.

24. Every man wants to have sex first; whether he wants a girlfriend is something he thinks about later. By not giving him what he wants up front, you become his girlfriend without him realizing it.

Unless all he wants is sex, and then you are just a harder conquest. A real man wants a relationship, not an encounter. Learn to distinguish the two.

25. A man intuitively senses whether sexuality comes from a place of security or from a place of neediness. He knows when a woman is having sex to appease him.

Sadly, this is true. And in most cases, appeasement sex is far, far worse because it becomes the gauge by which a man will judge the likelihood of all future sexual performance.

THE REAL GUY PANEL – QUESTIONS WOMEN WANT ANSWERED

I spend a fair amount of time in my car and online, though thankfully for other drivers, not at the same time. Recently, I’ve been listening to the tales of woe that come from dating in our present time and, more specifically, guys giving advice to women on topics ranging from dress, behavior, sex and more. I find that I am continually at odds pretty much with all of these men and that baffles me. Am I the odd man out?  For your reference, readers, I point you to this Yahoo! article, The Bert Show on Q100 (primarily Atlanta, but nationally syndicated), and I am sure there are others. So here I present my answers from a distinctly different male point of view.

Q:  When should I tell a guy that I am a single mom?

A: Right now. In fact, if you can have it printed on a T-shirt to wear on dates, that’d be great. No one – not even women who date single fathers – want to be surprised by this information ever. Some men are not built to be dads, and some men are not yet ready to be dads. You don’t want either of those guys in your life. Not because they are not handsome, cool, or making you feel great, but a man needs to be accepting of the “whole woman.” The fact that you are a mother is a HUGE part of who you are. Does this lessen the dating pool? Sure. But first and foremost, you must place you and your child out there. Even though your ex may be a great father, the role that this man might play in your life is significant and you don’t want someone who can’t handle that role, who can’t navigate the relationship with your ex, and who can’t find the way to put you first in his life to be in yours.

Q:  My breasts are natural, but I can afford and am willing to go get breast enhancements. My husband tells me that I don’t need to, but I see him looking at other women’s breasts all the time. Why?

A:  Little secret? They’re boobs. Guys like boobs, all shapes, all sizes. There’s a great line from the recent movie “Friends with Benefits” starring Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis. Kunis’ character looks down at her chest and says, “Really? I think they’re kind of small.” Timberlake replies, “Thy’re still boobs.” Truer words have never been spoken. Men are visually aroused far more than women. For those who are attracted to breasts (we all seem to have quirks as to what fires our attraction cylinders.), large boobs are like colorful billboards. Just because you see the ad doesn’t mean you are going to go buy the product. I know that many times for me, it’s been purely reactive. I am aroused by the female form. This has nothing to do with the attraction or level of love I have for my wife. It’s physiochemical, not a matter of wanting something different than what you have. In the same way that my wife can look at Bono and say, “I find him terribly attractive,” and not go on a four-country stalkfest of the guy because she’s married to me, I can appreciate that another woman is attractive without actually desiring that woman.

Q:  Can men in committed relationships truly believe that sex is meaningless?

A:  Yes and no. Can we have meaningless sex? From a moral standpoint, no. From an emotional standpoint, probably. Though I can’t, not really. And I would argue that many, many, men are more affected by sex than they admit. I have to be honest that I have never been the “hit it and quit it” type of guy who goes bar prowling for chicks on a regular basis. I’ve tried to act naturally on the attractions of people who I knew something about before diving straight in to a sexual relationship. Perhaps I am a product of the 80’s when we were learning that random sex could kill you; maybe it’s just that I have always been a Don Juan-style romantic. I do know guys who claim that they repeatedly have sex with women just for the hook-up itself, but I would note that most of these men are heading into their mid-late thirties and early forties and have yet to truly have meaningful relationships. There’s something to be said for the first time you have sex with a person – it’s all excitement and adrenaline. But I will tell you that the best sex I’ve had in life has come from being in a committed relationship where the rhythmic patterns of emotion merged and made it a truly transcendent event. That just doesn’t happen in one-night stands. So before you take advice from the “cad-about-town,” consider asking a few guys who have been married for 15 years or more and are still devoted to their partner.

Q:  How long should I wait to call a guy after a first date?

A:  The “rules” on this sort of thing vary from magazine to magazine and all of them are terribly, terribly stupid. Call him whenever you want. Text him the next day. If you like the guy, let him know. I’m not saying become crazy-stalker woman, but let him know how you feel. If he brought you flowers, thank him for the flowers when you look at them the next day. He’ll appreciate knowing that his gift made you happy. It’s as simple as that. No mind games, no odd “laws of dating’ treatise. And you should expect the same from him. If a guy is playing those sorts of games, run, because he’s not treating you as an equal. He’ll treat you like a doormat.

Q:   This was one of the actual quotes from the Yahoo! article: “If she has to be at work at 6am and uses the hair dryer, it wakes me up. Then, just when I get back to sleep. She is wearing her heels in the bathroom and the kitchen. Click. Click. Can’t you wear slippers?” -Pablo”

A:  This really sums up most of the issues guys had in the Yahoo! article. If this is your guy, or if he sounds like ANY of the guys in that article, flee. Get a new ID, color your hair and find a new part of town because that guy, he’s everything that’s currently wrong in men-women relationships. First, Pablo – if she’s getting her butt up to go to work at 6AM, it’s because she either HAS to work or she has a career. Unless you just came off the late shift, get the hell outta bed and make that chick some breakfast instead of bitching about the fact that she has to put herself together like a knight donning armor because we – men – have pretty much made it so that she has to do all these things just to be accepted. Make no mistake – she’s not tuning up her brain with that hair dryer, she’s getting her hair ready so that she will be seen as feminine. She’s also probably putting the same investment in herself when she goes out with you, idiot. So deal with it. Second, really? This is what peeves you about your woman? What I wouldn’t give for my life to be so uncomplicated, you worthless, douchey excuse for a human.

Q:  My boyfriend wants to go “Dutch” on everything, but I think he should be paying when he asks me out. What do you think?

A:  For a couple of dates, especially if you were friends first, this is acceptable. But I’m old-fashioned when it comes to this. If you take a woman out, you pay. If it’s dinner and a show, you pay for both. Now, I am highly disturbed that many women are looking for “the successful man” because many times it’s code for “I want a guy to give me stuff” and that’s just not right. Perhaps its my Southern upbringing, perhaps I just believe my father to be the greatest gentleman I’ve ever know, but if you are a prime specimen of manhood, you buy. It’s like opening doors – it’s not something that’s done to be condescending and it’s not done because women are “the weaker sex.” It’s done to show you care, to show respect and mostly, to show that you value that person. Further, it’s been my experience that if you want to impress a woman, it’s not just that you pay for dinner, it’s that you are going the extra mile to make her feel special. Like anything in life, the more you put into her, the more you will get from her. Okay, that sounds sketchy. But invest, gents. Invest in her.

Q:  Do gentlemen really prefer blondes?

A:  Yes. Also, brunettes and redheads. And women with black hair, pink hair, blue hair, no hair and hair half-shaved. Pretty much any color hair. Pretty much women.

Q:  My boyfriend and I have been dating for seven years. When we talk about marriage, he says he’s just not ready. When will he be ready?

A:  Never. There are exceptions to this rule, but for the most part, he just doesn’t want to marry you. And the exceptions are so extreme, it’s a million to one that you are not it. He’s afraid that constitutes a binding commitment and it does. If he moves to that position, he can’t just leave you when he decides he’s unhappy. Unfortunately, all of that – it’s him, not you. And when he leaves you, that’s what he’ll tell you and he’s not lying. If you have been with someone long enough to outlive a bankruptcy or long enough to pay off a mortgage, you know whether or not that person is “the one.” In fact, you most likely knew years ago but have become co-dependent and unable to move to something better. And by better, I don’t mean that you, ladies, aren’t worthwhile; it means people are only happy with who they are happy with. If your mate isn’t willing to formally become your mate, there’s an unspoken issue between you. Best confront it now.

Q:  My husband has cheated on me twice. We separate for a bit, but I keep taking him back. I don’t want the kids to be without a father. What should I do?

A:  Divorce. Now. I wouldn’t tolerate a single instance of infidelity, but I can see forgiving someone for a single mistake. But he did it again, so he clearly didn’t learn his lesson. It’s much, much tougher to divorce when there are children and it’s a good idea to consider them before taking any action which might upset their view of familial relations. But look at what you are doing – you are basically demonstrating to them that it’s OK for their dad to treat you like crap. To lie to you, to betray you in the most personal way possible. That guy, though he may have fathered great kids, is a loser and half a man. You need to leave him now. Especially if you have daughters, because they will see their father’s behavior as normal and it’s not. It’s reprehensible. In my days as a private investigator, I had a case of a woman who hired my firm to investigate her husband to see if he was cheating on her. He was. We know because before I got the case, other investigators in our firm had caught him twice. I caught him twice more. Every time he would promise to go to church, counseling, be a better man, but he wasn’t. I’m not sure he could stop. What I do know is that she was not important to him. She represented stability in his life, not the equality of a loving partner.

Q:  My husband and I have completely separate accounts. We have divided up the things we each pay for, so I pay for my car and the mortgage. I’m not sure, really, how much money he makes. I think we should have joint accounts, but he says this is the best way.

A:  Some financial analysts will tell you this is the most practical way to handle finances. And I will show you many financial analysts who commit suicide or die alone. Look, you are married; you have joined your lives together. If you cannot combine your finances and trust one another to make financial decisions, the big challenges in life that deal with feelings, emotions and that are life-changing, will suffer. It’s about basic communication. I’ve never done a scientific study, but I have heard this tale from a LOT of divorced women. When it comes to being partners, you become partners. Disjoining part of your life from your partner this way, to me, signals a false sense of commitment. It means that one of you doesn’t trust the other to have spirited financial discussion like adults. It also smacks of “This will be easier to sort out when I leave.” Stephen Covey was fond of promoting his “Begin with the end in mind” philosophy on projects and goals. Yeah, it doesn’t apply to marriages. Anyone who starts out married being worried about how the marriage will end isn’t ready to be married and moreso, doesn’t want to be married.

Q:  I’m a Tennessee Vol gal and my boyfriend is a Florida graduate. We often argue over which is the better SEC team. Is this a problem?

A:  No, as there is a certain amount of smack talk that comes with being an SEC fan. I find that’s actually healthy in a marriage.  Naturally, you are both wrong because LSU is better than either, and at least your prospective mate isn’t an Auburn fan. That could lead to real problems.

Q:  My man would rather look at porn and be “by himself” than come to me and have sex with the real thing. Why is that?

A:  While there is no problem with masturbation, especially within the bounds of marriage, the scenario you present is a problem. It indicates a problem he has with you or with himself that he’s not discussing with you. If this is a one-off kinda happening, I wouldn’t stress over it. If this is a regular occurrence, I would term it as sexual dysfunction and he needs to be honest with you about the cause, even if it’s something you don’t want to hear. Maybe you’ve gained a few pounds and he is no longer attracted to you as much as he was when you first got together. If that’s the case, that’s pretty shallow, but if he’s honest and that’s how he feels, it is probably an issue he can’t control and the two of you seriously need to consider parting ways. I can honestly say that in the years wherein I watched porn, I never turned down sex with the woman with whom I shared a bed.

Q:  Can men and women have friends of the opposite sex when in a committed relationship?

A:  Despite what TV will tell you, my answer is no. I’m sure a whole lotta people will tell me otherwise. It’s almost impossible for men in a relationship to be friends with single women. There’s a high degree of sexual tension there and a natural tendency to confide in that woman as opposed to the woman you are dating or married to. By doing so, you are creating a false intimacy with the woman you are with and very real intimacy with the woman you should not be with. THIS IS HOW MOST AFFAIRS HAPPEN. The woman at work. The woman at the club. My friend from college. The woman at the gym. It’s great to be friends with people, but you can easily go too far.

Now that I have hit this solo, perhaps the next time we do this, I’ll ask a couple of other gents to weigh in. I would appreciate it if all hate mail was addressed to British Airways, Greenwich.