Archive for the ‘Breakfast’ Category

Hoooooly Aunt Jemima, Batman! We’ve been robbed! Or, more specifically, Canada has been robbed, which is easy enough to believe if you know Canada. Quiet, staid, quaint little Canada, always minding its business, never arguing with anyone and ostensibly, just being a bit of France in really cold weather.



No, really. Stop laughing. I mean, other than supplying us with oil, hot country singers and the only really good hockey franchises, Canada also produces about 80 percent of the world’s syrup. They mass-store the whole collection in barrels, about 10 million pounds, or enough to fill about 7.5 million average-size bottles of the stuff.

I learned of the theft here, and I must say, he brings up some good points. But what he’s not connecting the dots on is the global conspiracy to keep pancakes naked. Think I am kidding? Read on, my friends, and stay frosty. Because, hey, it’s Canada, and its always frosty. Let’s examine a set of facts that are only tangentially related, Glenn Beck-style, and then make huge, overreaching conclusions.

This year, the American crop of syrup did not do well. In fact, in what can only be characterized as a response to Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker’s draconian anti-collective bargaining policies, Wisconsin fruit trees staged a dramatic walkout on production. In fact, more than 80 percent of Wisconsin’s fruit trees may have been damaged in the action, including the trees that produce maple syrup. So this year, syrup production in Wisconsin will be down more than a third, resulting in a drastic shortage.

In addition, Canada’s federal government authorized a $1.7 million study of syrup testing practices. Currently, about 250 barrels of the delicious pancake coating are tested on humans (lucky bastards) daily. The government of Canada, likely at the prodding of the Illuminati, wants to see that method of study ended and turned over to machines that would use some silly futuristic light-based testing that can only be a prologue to irradiating our syrup in order to turn us all into grotesque, flesh-craving creatures (See also: The Tea Party) and herald in the Zombie Apocalypse. Which is just a ploy to keep us from using said syrup altogether.

Now, on to the theft. So, if we consider that Gov. Scott Walker’s actions were deliberate and that he meant to ruin the syrup harvest, and as Canada wants to turn us against the syrup AND we now know that someone (or some group of elite syrup thieves) has stolen the majority of the world’s syrup, we are left with only one conclusion: that someone is vying to make us consume naked pancakes.

It should be noted that the syrup terrorists did not steal the syrup barrels, but simply siphoned the sticky yumminess into a great big syrup-stealing transport of some kind. Thus, I think it’s fairly obvious that the US should pull over every tanker on the road, at sea or in the air and inspect them using specially-trained syrup-sniffing dogs.

Clearly, one of the organizations behind this is the Environmental Defense Fund. These rabid protectors of nature clearly oppose the eating of pancakes in their traditional, God-ordained form: laden with syrupy goodness. You can hear the song of their people here, and let me just say, it’s worse than a Justin Bieber song played backwards. Or forwards. Or simply played. Simply put, it’s awful the way these people degrade syrup. I think its fair to say they have links to Al-Qaieda.

Don’t get me wrong, friends, pancakes are delicious. But like all great pairings, Twinkies and cream filling, barley and hops, Abbot and Costello, boobs and women, one just isn’t the same without the other. It’s a symbiotic relationship that must remain intact. Or the terrorists win.

So what can we do? What any good survivalist would do: stock up. Go out now and buy every bottle of syrup you can find. It’s the only true way to thumb your nose at the Man. Make sure your pancakes will always be clothed in that most glorious amber viscosity that we crave. And when we find out who is behind this vast, government-involved conspiracy, we must strike and liberate the syrup that we have been denied. It’s for the good of humanity, for the preservation of the American way, and most of all, breakfast.