CODES, BOTH CHIVALRIC AND GENTLEMANLY

10 ETERNAL TRUTHS OF THE GENTLEMANLY LIFE

1. A gentleman says “please” and “thank you,” readily and often.

2. A gentleman does not disparage the beliefs of others-whether they relate to matters of faith, politics, or sports teams. Exception: Supporters of non-SEC football teams may be ridiculed mercilessly.

3. A gentleman always carries a handkerchief, and is ready to lend it, especially to a weeping lady, should the need arise. Note: Especially helpful if you find yourself in Victorian-era England. 

4. A gentleman never allows a door to slam in the face of another person-male or female, young or old, absolute stranger or longtime best friend.

5. A gentleman does not make jokes about race, religion, gender, or sexual orientation; neither does he find such jokes amusing.

6. A gentleman knows how to stand in line and how to wait his turn.

7. A gentleman is always ready to offer a hearty handshake.

8. A gentleman keeps his leather shoes polished and his fingernails clean.

9. A gentleman admits when he is wrong.

10. A gentleman does not pick a fight. Note: That doesn’t stop the fight from coming to him, AND he should defend others against bullies and those who would terrorize.

All of these were taken from John Bridges’ How to Be a Gentleman: A Timely Guide to Timeless Manners. 

A Chivalric Code, taken from the song “Sophia” by The Cruxshadows.

1. Do not injustice to another.

2. Defend the weak & innocent.

3. May truth & honor always guide you.

4. Let courage find a life within.

5. Stand up when no one else is willing.

6. Act not in hatred or in spite.

7. Be to this world as a perfect knight, even if it means your life.

A Knight’s Code, taken from the Song of Roland, circa 1066:

1. Fear God and maintain His Church

2. Serve your liege lord in valor and faith

3. Protect the weak and defenseless

4. Give succor to widows and orphan

5. Refrain from giving wanton offence

6. Live by honor and glory

7. Despise pecuniary reward

8. Fight for the welfare of all

9. Obey those placed in authority

10. Safeguard the honor of fellow knights

11. Eschew unfairness, meanness and deceit

12. Keep the faith

13. Speak the truth at all times

14. Persevere to the end in any enterprise begun

15. Respect the honor of women

16. Never refuse a challenge from an equal

17. Never turn a back upon a foe

TACKLING BITCHY – PART FOUR & FINAL THOUGHTS

Bear with me, folks. This has been a long series experiment and this post will be the mother of all posts related to earlier said post. Too much posting? For those of you new to the series, this is, as stated, part four of my examination of 100 attraction principles as outlined in the book Why Men Love Bitches. If I have not stated this before, I should note for the record (is there really a record?) that I have not read the book. Nor do I intend to because such books nauseate me. However, I do understand that there are men and women schlepping this pebble who don’t feel they have the world’s greatest insight on relationships and hope that these manifestos will help them bone up. I can tell you from 40 years of experience in dealing with the male-female dictum that you will never, not by the end of your life, get it. Relationships are the most fluid entity on the planet and no matter how many “rules” one might lay out for how to deal with the opposite sex, they are not universal because they deal with emotion and feeling which are as unique to you as fingerprints. Alas, my job is to provide the catalyst for discussion and thought provocation. I hope you find that here.

You can find Part one of the series here. And part deux. And part the third.

76. He’ll never respect you as being able to hold your own unless you can stand on your own two feet financially.

This is always an interesting discussion. Finance, more than any other aspect of merging lives, causes the most downfall – people do not communicate well about money. Especially in relationships. But the short version answer for advice is that what you make is not as important as what you do. If you have a job and its just that – a vehicle to pay the bills, don’t sweat it. A lot of us go that route, especially early in our work life. If you have a passion rather than a job, make sure you demonstrate that passion and he will respect you because you have respect for your chosen passion. If he doesn’t, dump him like a sack of rotten peaches.

77. You have to show that you won’t accept mistreatment. Then you will keep his respect.

You shouldn’t accept mistreatment. This is not just a female thing, however, and it goes back to self-esteem.

78. Your pink slip is maintained when you can stand on your own–with him or without him. He should never feel that you are completely as his mercy.

Again, surrender is merited when both parties surrender to one another. He won’t feel you are at his mercy if he treats your respectfully as his mother hopefully taught him to do. If he Lords things over you, ditch him.

79. When a man views a woman as a “little girl” or a sister he has to take care of, the passion diminishes. He doesn’t want to make love to his sister.

I call BS on this. In the male world, we may not want to make love to our sisters, but the fact that our sister is passingly attractive does not go unnoticed. Further, if most relationships boil down to the affections we had for parents, we are looking for familiar traits in women that echo the traits in the women we grew up with. Plus, there’s a lot of guys into the submissive woman. That does not mean you should be a doormat, but your cuteness will sometimes go a long way.

80. The ability to choose how you want to live, and the ability to choose how you want to be treated are the two things that give you more power than any material object ever will.

True. Other than maybe a taser. That seems to give women a LOT of power. And a big-ass rottweiler. That gives you a ton of power when men realize that dog’s head is huge, full of teeth, and right at crotch level.

81. In a relationship of any kind, if one person feels the other person isn’t bringing anything to the table, he or she will begin to disrespect that person.

While I don’t advocate the “baller/scrub” mentality of modern dating, I will say that the rules of attraction can be confounding at times. We may find ourselves attracted to someone who seems like “a hopeless case” and want to work to restore that person to some perceived glory. We must resist this urge because it causes us to fall into co-dependency. But people can be overlooked for what they provide – emotional support, relief, love – simply because they are not career-oriented or ambitious. Thus, this line must be walked carefully.

82. Financial neediness is no different than emotional neediness; in both instances, he can still get the feeling that he has a 100 percent hold on you.

Many cases have been made for the independent woman. I would suggest that if you are looking for a man because you need to pay rent, you need to move back in with your parents and stop looking for men.

83. Regardless of how pretty a woman is, looks alone will not sustain his respect. Appearance may pull him in, but it is your independence that will keep him turned on.

Actually, it’s a lot of things that will keep him turned on. Sure, independence will be attractive to some. So will laughter. Eagerness in the bedroom. Care. Compassion. Athletics. Love of dogs. Don’t stress too much over this.

84. When a man is very consumed with not being taken advantage of, this is a sign that he’s “on the take.”

I’m not sure this is correct, though it has the probability of signaling that something is wrong. Or the fella has just been hurt by other independent, strong women. That doesn’t make him a robber; it makes him cautious.

85. People will show you they have self-respect simply by virtue of the fact that they want to carry their own weight.

True.

86. The more independent you are of him, the more interested he will be.

As long as you can walk the fine line between independent and distant, sure. But forcing yourself to be independent in order to gain respect or to prove that you are your own woman is simply forcing yourself to be someone you may not be. And you are putting on a front for him that might be confusing. Being independent is one thing; trying to be independent is altogether something else.

87. If you make it too obvious that you’re excited to get something, some people will be tempted to dangle a carrot in front of your face.

And if you bury a statue of a Catholic saint in your front yard, your house might sell faster. I’m not sure where wisdom like this comes from. If you are excited about something, be excited. Genuine emotion is all too rare.

88. When you alter the routine, your not being there is what will make him come around. Men don’t respond to words. What they respond to is no contact.

I honestly think I have seen this earlier in the 100. But men, actually, do respond to words. We just don’t use as many as women do. But we do listen to what you say, especially if you couch it in a way of saying “This is what matters to me.”

89. Don’t give a reward for bad behavior.

Don’t tolerate bad behavior.

90. He simply won’t respect a woman who automatically goes into overdrive to please him.

It depends on the context. We like women who go into overdrive sometimes. But if you are being false, if you are being disingenuine about how you feel in order to create yourself as something you are not, he will leave you. And he should.

91. If he doesn’t give you a time, you don’t have a date.

Fair enough.

92. Often the best way to adjust or fix the problem is by not letting him know it’s being fixed. When you alter your availability or change a predictable routine, it will mentally pull him back in.

Often, the best way to fix a problem is to be honest about a problem. If you don’t think you are seeing your man enough, don’t do something stupid to get his attention like stop communicating with him. If he feels he has to up and “fix” the relationship all the time, it will become that never-ending project like the muscle car in the garage. He’ll see it as work and he’ll let dust gather on it.

93. Once you start laughing, you start healing.

True.

94. You can get away with saying much more with humor than you can with a straight face.

Depending on what you are saying. “I just pushed your Grandma down the stairs” isn’t particularly well-received in either format and both should freak him out.

95. A man feels he’s won, or conqured a woman, when she eats out of the palm of his hand. At which point, he begins to get bored.

If you are with a man who considers you a conquest rather than a potential partner, you need to walk away. Right. Now.

96. The tension that arises with a slightly bitchy woman gives a subtle feeling of danger to a man. He feels slightly unsure because she is never in the palm of his hand.

Actually, women use this descriptor for men as well. The “mystery” is what keeps women coming back. Mystery, rather than true intimacy, leads to insecurity.

97. A “yes” woman who gives too much sends the impression that she belives in the man more than she believes in herself. Men view this as weakness not kindness.

At the same time, we want our women to be proud of us. No matter the situation, we want to believe that you believe in us because that can lift us higher than a thousand compliments from men. We long to know you have our back and that it’s “us against the world.”

98. Be an independent thinker at all times, and ignore anyone who attempts to define you in a limiting way.

Fair enough.

99. Truly powerful people don’t explain why they want respect. They simply don’t engage someone who doesn’t give it to them.

On the other hand, most truly powerful people have earned respect before they walk in the door.

100. The most attractive quality of all is dignity.

Amen.

Final Thoughts

It occurs to me that the author of Why Men Love Bitches has had a romantic life that can be described, at best, as tumultuous. It also strikes me that she runs in a circle of highly professional men who have a leaning towards aloofness, career-drive, and nightly romantic conquests. Of course, I could be way off base, but this is the general feeling I get as I read through 100 points of disdain for women who are perceived as weak. But we must remember that the perception of weaker women is one that lingers from our caveman days when the roles of hunter-gatherer men and women who birth, raise and cook were the societal ideals. I am sure that the first priestess in those groups to emerge was reviled as breaking all the male-created stereotypes of the day. It also probably turned on a number of the menfolk. Just sayin.

The bottom line to relationships is respect, but that is such a nebulous idea when two people are entering the dating arena. It’s a an uneasy position for both of them fueled by feelings they can’t quite define. It’s like standing on a rope bridge made out of wax; it seems firm and may hold our weight but our foot might go right through the bridge on the next step. Or it could be a hot day and bridge is melting. Insert any of a dozen wax-related analogies here. The truth is that we never know what we are doing so we must endeavor to raise up the person across the dinner table from us. If we all start from a position of mutual respect and slowly reveal ourselves, we should be well-received. If we are not, that person is not right for us. Overthinking something like relationships that exist only in the most tenuous of positions can move you into a constant state of worry. In doing so, you abandon yourself and strive to be someone you think the other person wants you to be. But that’s often a false read on the situation and leads to more pain that you could ever imagine. The other person will eventually suss out what you are doing and feel like you have put up a false front, which you did. When they confront you, you will feel betrayed because you put so much effort into the relationship.

You both end up feeling stung. 

So, to sum up:

Men: Respect her at all times. Listen to her. Protect her. Show her affection. Above all, be honest with her and toss out all of these notions of what you think women should be and appreciate the amazing creature she is.

Women: Stop playing stupid games. We hate it. We’re not some project that needs to be manipulated for us to love and respect you. We are guys. And despite the stereotypes, we can listen, respond and care without some underlying ploy. Don’t ever – and I mean ever – base your self-worth on the opinions of other people. You are magical, wonderful, intelligent, sexy, beautiful and courageous. And if anyone tells you otherwise, set that Rottweiler i mentioned earlier on them.

MAN ALERT: THE GLOBAL THREAT OF NAKED PANCAKES

Hoooooly Aunt Jemima, Batman! We’ve been robbed! Or, more specifically, Canada has been robbed, which is easy enough to believe if you know Canada. Quiet, staid, quaint little Canada, always minding its business, never arguing with anyone and ostensibly, just being a bit of France in really cold weather.

YET THEY SIT ON THE WORLD’S STRATEGIC SYRUP RESERVES.

Huh?

No, really. Stop laughing. I mean, other than supplying us with oil, hot country singers and the only really good hockey franchises, Canada also produces about 80 percent of the world’s syrup. They mass-store the whole collection in barrels, about 10 million pounds, or enough to fill about 7.5 million average-size bottles of the stuff.

I learned of the theft here, and I must say, he brings up some good points. But what he’s not connecting the dots on is the global conspiracy to keep pancakes naked. Think I am kidding? Read on, my friends, and stay frosty. Because, hey, it’s Canada, and its always frosty. Let’s examine a set of facts that are only tangentially related, Glenn Beck-style, and then make huge, overreaching conclusions.

This year, the American crop of syrup did not do well. In fact, in what can only be characterized as a response to Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker’s draconian anti-collective bargaining policies, Wisconsin fruit trees staged a dramatic walkout on production. In fact, more than 80 percent of Wisconsin’s fruit trees may have been damaged in the action, including the trees that produce maple syrup. So this year, syrup production in Wisconsin will be down more than a third, resulting in a drastic shortage.

In addition, Canada’s federal government authorized a $1.7 million study of syrup testing practices. Currently, about 250 barrels of the delicious pancake coating are tested on humans (lucky bastards) daily. The government of Canada, likely at the prodding of the Illuminati, wants to see that method of study ended and turned over to machines that would use some silly futuristic light-based testing that can only be a prologue to irradiating our syrup in order to turn us all into grotesque, flesh-craving creatures (See also: The Tea Party) and herald in the Zombie Apocalypse. Which is just a ploy to keep us from using said syrup altogether.

Now, on to the theft. So, if we consider that Gov. Scott Walker’s actions were deliberate and that he meant to ruin the syrup harvest, and as Canada wants to turn us against the syrup AND we now know that someone (or some group of elite syrup thieves) has stolen the majority of the world’s syrup, we are left with only one conclusion: that someone is vying to make us consume naked pancakes.

It should be noted that the syrup terrorists did not steal the syrup barrels, but simply siphoned the sticky yumminess into a great big syrup-stealing transport of some kind. Thus, I think it’s fairly obvious that the US should pull over every tanker on the road, at sea or in the air and inspect them using specially-trained syrup-sniffing dogs.

Clearly, one of the organizations behind this is the Environmental Defense Fund. These rabid protectors of nature clearly oppose the eating of pancakes in their traditional, God-ordained form: laden with syrupy goodness. You can hear the song of their people here, and let me just say, it’s worse than a Justin Bieber song played backwards. Or forwards. Or simply played. Simply put, it’s awful the way these people degrade syrup. I think its fair to say they have links to Al-Qaieda.

Don’t get me wrong, friends, pancakes are delicious. But like all great pairings, Twinkies and cream filling, barley and hops, Abbot and Costello, boobs and women, one just isn’t the same without the other. It’s a symbiotic relationship that must remain intact. Or the terrorists win.

So what can we do? What any good survivalist would do: stock up. Go out now and buy every bottle of syrup you can find. It’s the only true way to thumb your nose at the Man. Make sure your pancakes will always be clothed in that most glorious amber viscosity that we crave. And when we find out who is behind this vast, government-involved conspiracy, we must strike and liberate the syrup that we have been denied. It’s for the good of humanity, for the preservation of the American way, and most of all, breakfast.

TACKLING BITCHY – PART THREE

This is the third part and second continuation of my ‘Tackling Bitchy” series in which I address the 100 attraction principles found in the book Why Men Love Bitches. You can read the first post here.

 

51. The relationship may not be right for you if you find yourself jumping through hoops. When something is right, it will feel easier and much more effortless.

Absolutely true. Which presents just a big heaping helping of irony when you consider this list, which seems to be all about the hoops.

52. When you nag, he tunes you out. But when you speak with your actions, he pays attention.

Doesn’t everyone tune out naggers?

53. When a man takes a woman for granted, he still looks for reassurance that she is still “right there.”

True.

54. When the routine becomes predictable, he’s more likely to give you the same type of love he had for his mother–and the odds that he will take you for granted increase.

I think the odds that we take a partner for granted increase daily in any relationship. That’s why we call it a relation-SHIP. Like a regular ship, if we fail to steer it, pay attention to the way the wind is blowing, make sure the engine runs well and keep up with maintenance, the ship fails. The idea of the mother-lovin’ is a bit disturbing. I cannot personally recall loving ANY woman like my mother.

55. Negative attention is still attention. It lets a man know that he has you–right where he wants you.

Ok.

56. When you treat him casually as though he’s a friend, he’ll come your way. Because he wants things to be romantic, but he also wants to be the pursuer.

Sometimes. Men like to be pursued, too. Don’t buy in to too much of the movie-style stereotypes being thrown about here. Not all men are commitment-fearing apes.

57. A little distance combined with the appearance of self-control makes him nervous that he may be losing you.

And is that what you want? A man feeling insecure about the relationship you have? Because that’s not a foundation for true intimacy. It’s a foundation for distrust. Seriously, WTF?

58. A man takes a woman for granted when he’s interested, but will no longer go out of his way.

So he will no longer go out of his way to take a woman for granted? I think a man who takes a woman for granted will take a woman for granted at any depth. Because he’s a tool, not a man.

59. When you nag, you become the problem, and he deals with it by tuning you out. But when you don’t nag, he deals with the problem.

He may also deal with the problem if YOU present it as a problem. Men are, by nature, fixers. We like to fix things, even those of us who don’t grasp which end of the power tool to hold.

60. If you take his chores away from him and praise someone else for doing it, he’ll want his chores back.

Unless he’s happy to have someone else do his chores. For example, its my job to clean the house. When I have maids do it, I don’t cry about it. I’m damn happy they cleaned the house. Also, I don’t own huge ladders. Therefore, I hire men to come and clean my gutters. My wife praises them for doing a great job. That stirs absolutely…nothing in me. I’d rather they fight the hobgoblin of my gutters than me.

61. When you nag, he sees weakness.

Or he just sees nagging. So don’t do it.

62. He perceives an emotional woman as more of a pushover.

Perhaps, but many men see emotional women as compassionate.

63. In the same way that familiarity breeds contempt, a slightly aloof demeanor can often renew his respect.

Or make him ask why you are grumpy. Because aloofness in a relationship doesn’t come across as aloofness…it comes across as “something is wrong.”

64. He’ll forget what he has in you, unless you remind him.

I’d use this as a case for doing your best to invest yourself in the relationship. We should all make efforts to remind the other that we care about them and their value to us. Today, I put a little note in my wife’s pajamas she was packing for a business trip. When she arrived at her destination and pulled out her pajamas, she found the note. It made her night. It took me five minutes, but it reminded her that I loved her and was thinking about her. We don’t have to go over the top to show others that we care. Sometimes, we can use Napoleon’s plan: we just show up.

65. Many women talk a lot out of nervousness–which is something that men will often perceive as insecurity.

Heh, I just think women talk a lot. Period.

66. Talking about feelings to a man will feel like work. When he’s with a woman, he wants it to feel like fun.

Sure, I think everyone feels this way. But I talk about feelings, too, especially when comes to areas in which I want my wife’s feedback. Because she’s brilliant.

67. Forcing him to talk about feelings all the time will not only make you seem needy, it will eventually make him lose respect. And when he loses respect, he’ll pay even less attention to your feelings.

Doing any activity the same way over and over will engender a sense of contempt, no?

68. In the beginning, the only thing you need to pay attention to is whether he keeps coming around, because he’ll only be able to suspend or hide his emotions for so long.

With caution, I can say this is mostly true.

69. Men treat women the way they treat other men. They “play it cool: because they don’t want to appear weak or desperate.

I do not treat women like I treat men. I don’t believe most men do that.

70. The element of suprise both inside and outside of the bedroom is important to men, and it adds to the excitement.

This is true of all sexual relationships whether you are male or female.

71. Don’t always do the same thing over and over in the bedroom. Vary it so that it doesn’t become a predictable routine.

See above.

72. Most men tend to disrespect a woman who appears to be too malleable.

True, we like “spirit.” But we would like that in a man relationship, too.

73. Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself or speak your mind. It will not only earn his respect, in some cases it will even turn him on.

This should be your personality even when not in a relationship.

74. Men often automatically assume that a bitchier woman will be more assertive in bed, and that a nice girl will be more timid.

Well, we typically assume that an aggressive woman will be aggressive in or out of the sack. However, some of the most amusing surprises in the bedroom have come from those who appear to be the librarian and turn out to be quite the opposite.

75. When a man falls in love, suddenly he’ll go out of his way and think nothing of it. He’ll do things for this woman he wouldn’t have done for anyone else.

I think this is true of anyone who falls in love.

A CALL TO ARMS AGAINST PEDOPHILIA

Relationships are complex. We are not born into a world where we can choose our families, and in some respects, we are not of the ability to choose to whom we are attracted.

That doesn’t mean there aren’t lines. 

About 20 years ago, I attended a party at a convention in which my fellow attendees and I were required to wear colored dots on our name badges. There were three colors, each indicating a certain aspect. One color indicated that the wearer was straight, one that the wearer was gay and the other to indicated that the wearer was bi-sexual. In many ways, it made the evening very fun and easy-going because everyone knew where everyone else stood in the sexual arena. Almost everyone at the party was single, and the system was designed to promote a hassle-free environment wherein a heterosexual like myself could mingle and flirt without worrying that I might be made uncomfortable by someone of the same sex hitting on me.

Would that the world was this way. That no one had to be made uncomfortable or to deny who they were because of their sexual orientation and that it might offend another. For now, we live our lives in a tenuous web of interpersonal relationships that may or may not make us uncomfortable or self-demonizing. Generally, we live in an uneasy harmony.

There is a group asking for a seat at that table, and to be honest, I’d rather hit them with the chair than offer it to them as a place to rest.

At a recent conference, a group called B4U Act was discussing the rights of the pedophile. No, you read that right. They were holding a discussion on the best ways to normalize the attraction to minors. Jacob Breslow, a gay-rights activist and a speaker at the conference, said that there should be no stigma associated with the attraction to children. In fact, Breslow suggested that consent from a child wasn’t necessary for a minor-attracted person to perform a sex act on “it” anymore than one need seek permission to perform a sex act on a shoe. His discussion, from the firsthand accounts of those who were there, seemingly advocated that child rape was “natural” and should be condoned.

Read that again. He advocated that child rape was “natural.”

My sons, from their first breaths, have relied on me to be a protector. In fact, I feel that role is placed upon me for all children simply by virtue of being a parent. As a person who has investigated the crime of commercial sexual exploitation, sometimes dealing with children, I am acutely aware of the psychology of the predator. I am also acutely aware of the sexual development of children. I remember my own feelings around age 12 and 13 for girls who were my age and older. I get that the pre-teen years and especially the teen years are a time of sexual awakening as we discover through constant trial and error who we are as individuals and begin on our path to adulthood. But I also knew, at the age of 13, that feelings of sexual attraction to an 8-year-old would be abnormal. (Just to be clear – I have never been attracted to children) It wasn’t just because society had implanted a normative feeling that attraction to minors was a sexual taboo, but it came from an innate sense that certain milestones happen at certain ages. That our bodies become biologically available for sex at certain ages.

That those ages were not early childhood. 

Courts in Texas have ruled that children who are not of the age of consent are not able to be criminally prosecuted if lured into commercial sex acts. This wasn’t done to promote the commercial sexual exploitation of children, but to shield them from the justice system once they have been victimized by child predators. But it was not an arbitrary ruling. There is a point at which we, as a society, must set limitations on behavior that is destructive.

The pedophile community argues that it is no different than homosexuals. They use the same argument that such behavior is not learned or chosen, but rather part of their inherent emotional makeup. I think the same argument could be made for a serial killer. Clearly, a serial killer is a deviant individual who takes pleasure in some way from the murder of another person. Yet, the murderer is robbing that person of their rights and without asking for any kind of consent. The child predator does the same. It seeks a sexual encounter with a non-consenting child who may or may not fully understand the concept of sex.

This group is small, but it is active. It’s active in the scientific community, pushing the boundaries of “acceptable sex.” I’m far from one to dwell on the inner workings of a couple’s boudoir, and that means if they get down while dressed up like Big Bird and Barney, far be it from me to scoff at what gets them off. Once that activity becomes a danger to children – who these pedophiles claim are rarely sexually assaulted or forced into a sex act – it’s no longer a question of what is permissible in the sexual arena. It’s a matter of protection. This is not about repression. When a child reaches adulthood, they should have the support of the community to have a vibrant and fulfilling sex life. Until that time, however, we must draw a line in the sand.

Pedophilia must never find footing in civil society.

TRAMPIRES, INFIDELITY AND WHAT EVERY YOUNG WOMAN SHOULD KNOW

Great quote from a recent HuffPo article:

“Part of the reason that Robsten doesn’t matter to me, however, is that I am not a young woman today, and I’m glad that I’m not. For any girl growing up who pays attention to the media, it’s a terrifying time to understand what it means to be a girl in society. From Rush Limbaugh, they’ve learned that they are prostitutes and “sluts” for wanting birth control and healthy reproductive options for women. From Todd Akin, they’ve learned that their bodies can magically judo chop any unwanted side effects of rape and that women somehow can be “illegitimately” raped. From Paul Ryan, they’ve learned that rape is just “another method of conception,” which should be news to the makers of the Kama Sutra. And then Rape Culture Super-Defender Mike Huckabee chimed in by saying that “rape can create extraordinary people,” because young women everywhere desperately needed his opinion on this issue. Thanks, Huck.”

First, Mike Huckabee is a fool. Which is a sad statement, because Huckabee is actually a very likable, erudite man. Apparently, though, with his foot in his mouth.

Second, all young women should read this article, which can be found here.

Third, we then all need to take a breath.

I think what the article here glosses over is that the Stewart was wrong. It’s not a cause to launch a massive negative media campaign about here and come up with trendy and genius names, constantly embarrassing her and endangering her career. What should put her career in danger is that she is the worst actress of all time, and that includes that drag queen chick from Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. But I digress.

As the article clearly points out, there’s a lot of older white guys like me telling all of the young women in America what to do with their bodies and how we’ll judge them based on the actions they take in life. But in that, some basic lessons are being overlooked. I personally don’t care who Kristen Stewart dates, has sex with, or goes skeet shooting with. It’s just not on my radar. However, I do teach young women in discipleship classes and I worry that the lack of consideration of role model behavior – like Stewart’s – is a problem given her teen idol status. And it’s an important discussion to have.

Whether male or female, cheating on your girlfriend/spouse/ whatever is wrong. Just plain wrong. Even if the relationship you are in is dead or destructive, you need to exit that relationship cleanly before starting up romance with another. This is a pretty simple concept. It goes to the honor of young men and women, a consideration we have all but buried in the modern age. A man or woman who will cheat with you, knowing you are in another relationship, is dishonoring not just you, but your significant other.

And if they will dishonor you for something as freely given as sex, they will dishonor you in many, many other areas. But get that first point through your head – if he will cheat with you, he likely doesn’t respect you. So why would you want to be with that person? Your self-esteem should be greater than that.

Relationships of all kinds are about trust. It’s not about free love, polyamory, or anything else you want to play it off as – its about trusting the other person. If you want to have multiple lovers, you better make that clear to the one you are dating because their agenda – right or wrong – may just differ on that point. If you respect them, you will be honest with them.

By the way, unlike the author of this article, I don’t consider infidelity a “mistake.” It’s not like you were walking across a room, tripped over a bump in the rug and accidentally had sex with someone. It doesn’t work that way. It’s a choice, plain and clear. If you make that choice, you are not making a mistake, you are deliberately saying that your current relationship has less value than the act you are undertaking.

I listened once to a great interview with former heavy metal rocker Alice Cooper. Despite hundreds of concerts on dozens of tours, Cooper remained faithful to his wife. Asked how he did it, he gave a very literate and common sense response. He said that his relationship with his wife (now of 36 years) was a deep, romantic coupling. He responded to the question with a question – why would anyone trade 5 minutes of orgasmic bliss with a one-night stand for the entire relationship developed over years that has a much more exciting, and emotionally deeper sexual component? It just didn’t make sense to him.

FEELING MANLY BECAUSE I TOTALLY PUT A PUNK IN JAIL

Here in the land of manhood, we celebrate our victories. And so I am bragging about myself, but I will brag more about our lead investigator. For those of you who don’t know me personally, I spend my free time chasing down leads about suspected brothels, pimps, victimized women and other aspects of human trafficking. It’s a hard road because there’s not a lot of support.

About a year or so back I met, though mutual connections, another man who was willing to invest his time in the same pursuit, as well as some stacks of cash to put investigators in the field full-time. Though I totally claim the victory in this case, I did about 10 percent of the work compared to the lead investigator. I put in about 60 hours over three months. I imagine our lead investigator did a great deal more.

Today, however, it all came to a head as we learned that federal investigators ran with our case and arrested our target and more than half a dozen others and charged them with human trafficking. I don’t have any information about the victims yet, but I will post what I know when I can. Even after the arrests, the investigation will continue and we will be assisting the federal agents any way we can. 

Our guy is bad news. He’s exactly the guy you want off the street. And it makes sitting in a 100-degree car for hours at a time so worth it.

Be well, men. Know that our system does, sometimes, do exactly what it should do.

TACKLING BITCHY – PART TWO

So today we continue dissecting the 100 Attraction Principles as stated in the book Why Men Love Bitches.

26. Bad habits are easier to form than good ones, because good habits require conscious effort. Waiting encourages this effort.

Fair point.

27. If you pull the sexual plug at the last minute, he’ll label you a tease.

Fair point again.

28. If he makes you feel insecure, let your insecurity be your guide.

I have no idea what she means. I assume that if the man makes you feel insecure, then examine why you feel insecure. Identify that and then be honest with him. If it is merely vulnerability you feel because of your feelings for him, rejoice. That’s what we call love. The best comparison is that when you are falling in love, it feels like leaning all the way back in a chair to the point where it begins to topple backward and just at the last second, you catch yourself.

29. A quality guy fantasizes about a woman who genuinely loves sex.

True story.

30. Any time a woman competes with another woman, she demeans herself.

True.

31. When there is that undeniable “spark,” there is only one key to the lock.

Kinda obvious.

32. Let him think he’s in control. He’ll automatically start doing things you want done because he’ll always want to look like “a king” in your eyes.

Again with the mind games. Control, control, control. Machiavelli never felt so Machiavellian.

33. When you cater to his ego in a soft way, he doesn’t try to get power in an aggressive way.

I would say that is basic psychology for dealing with anyone, but that would be obvious. And we wouldn’t want that, would we?

34. When you appear softer and more feminine, you appeal to his instinct to protect. When you appear more aggressive, you appeal to his instinct to compete.

True, but the essence of this is how comfortable a man is with power. If the lust for winning and power is what drives a man rather than meaning, then you will have to come to terms with that. If a man is threatened by a woman who is educated, forthright and strong, then he needs to find a meeker woman. Do not lower your standards just because you worry about being alone. I can understand a woman believing that any man is better than nothing, but I don’t understand how women believe they have nothing in the first place.

35. He’ll let a woman who becomes his doormat pay for dinner on the first couple of dates, but he wouldn’t think of it with his dreamgirl.

If he’s a real man, it will be an agreement initially or he will pay. Class and style are not sacrificed because you might not be “the one.”

36. The token power position is for public display, but the true power position is for private viewing only. And this is the only one that matters.

I find this incongruous with the rest of her statements.

37. If you give him a feeling of power, he’ll want to protect you and he’ll want to give you the world.

Or, if he’s into you, he will want to do that. If he feels he is being manipulated, he will run – not walk – from you.

38. When a woman acts as though she’s capable of everything, she gets stuck doing everything.

That’s complete BS.

39. Men don’t respond to words. They respond to no contact.

Holy Sex Threats, Batman! I’m a man and I respond to words. I also respond to kisses, hugs, affection, and cheer. I also respect bacon, SEC football and dogs. If you want attention and you decide that you are going to get all Pavlovian about things and withhold affection so that he senses something is wrong, you’re a fool. Because in the vein of learning about your communication style, you will have to constantly disengage to get him to engage. It’s a slippery slope that leads to frustration on his part.

40. Talking about the “relationship” too much takes away the element of the “unknown” and thus the mystery.

At some point, the mystery vanishes. It’s called “getting to know you.” Once the two of you reach that stage, you are together. And then you have to work at the relationship. That’s the way the world turns, sports fans.

41. Men respect women who communicate in a succinct way, because it’s the language men use to talk to one another.

This is true.

42. When you are always HAPPY; And he is always free to GO; he feels LUCKY.

True. But you should strive to be happy, anyway. For your own personal well-being, not for someone else.

43. If you allow your rhythm to be interrupted, you’ll create a void. Then, to replace what you give up, you’ll start to expect and need more from your partner.

Whatever the hell that means. Listen, chiquitas, you are either going to invest in your partner or you are not. What you put into the relationship is largely what defines what you will get out of it. We all come to need our partner to a degree. It doesn’t mean you have lost control, it means you have allowed yourself to need someone and to rely on someone. Scary, sure, but a key part of developing something deeper.

44. Most women are starving to receive something from a man that they need to give to themselves.

This could not be more on target. I’ve met many women in my life who were smart, strong women who saw themselves as something quite less.

45. A woman looks more secure in a man’s eyes when he can’t pull her away from her life, because she is content with her life.

Anyone looks this way.

46. The second a woman works overtime to make herself fit his criteria, she has lowered the standard of that relationship.

True.

47. You jump through hoops any time you repeatedly make it very obvious you’re giving your “all.”

No. You jump through hoops when you jump through hoops. Being “all in” does not make you weak.

48. You have to keep from being sucked down into quicksand. Unless you maintain control over yourself, the relationship is doomed.

Sometimes we must lose control.

49. Jumping through hoops often has a negative outcome: He sees it as an opportunity to have his cake and eat it, too. But when you stay just outside his reach, he’ll stay on his best behavior.

Oooorrrrr, he’ll see you as disengaging and distant.

50. The nice girl gives away too much of herself when pleasing him regularly becomes more important than pleasing herself.

This is true of all people.

Quick diagnosis – someone hurt the author of this book in some way that was very deep and it involved having a large amount of control over her life. The active word in today’s 25 is “control” and it could not be more antithetical to emotions. We control ourselves when we are buying a car – getting emotional there leads to bad business decisions. But a relationship that is built to last is not about control; its about when and how to release part of yourself to the other person. Truth and respect are the only controls in relationships. The rest of it is abandoning yourself fully to that other person. Listen closely – it has to be mutual. One person in a relationship abandoning their control in favor of joining together doesn’t work. Trust. It has “us” right there in the middle.