Posts Tagged ‘women’

I consume Facebook at lot. I’m not all up there throwin’ up pics of lolcats because, honestly, that’s just not me. I use it to keep in connection with a wide and diverse host of people all over the planet, which is pretty sure what the original intent was meant to be – people chattin’ at people. Sometimes, however, this mine of the mundane produces a special gem. This was posted by the husband of a high school friend:

“Thank you God for getting me through this morning with twins! Also God please bring my wife home safely and SOON!

A prayer for his wife. What a great way to honor her, and more importantly, he wants his woman to return to him safely. 

Each year, there’s a lot of derision that comes up about Valentine’s Day and it kills me. However, living on the internet for the past 16 years has taught me that people will deride pretty much anything, so I shouldn’t be particularly surprised. The most common comment is something akin to “I don’t need a holiday for me to tell my wife I love her. We live that love every day.”

Except that most men don’t.

Now, I am sure the bulk of you manly men out there tell your wives you love them. Maybe several times a day; maybe once every couple of days. But you are not really steering off the designated path, are you? Not really taking the “road less traveled?”

I get it. Feelings. Not really the male arena. But we have them, so we should make them known. And we should use our outside voices. 

How many men out there tell their wives how beautiful they are? Lots? Perhaps. Take it one step further – how many of you notice when she wears new shoes, a new blouse or a new outfit? 

How many of you tell your significant other you are proud of them? That they really know how to mother your children? That they are damn good at whatever it is they do? At the risk of sounding like the 1950s, how many of your tell your stay-at-home wife or girlfriend that she’s incredible at keeping up the house. That she makes you feel like a king?

It seems innocuous, and women certainly don’t need us for affirmation, but it can be a day-altering event. I’ve seen people grab, bite into and suck the marrow out of a single compliment that keeps them going for a whole day. It’s not that they were weak or in need of validation, but they got it. It came, like a shiny, wrapped gift left just for them. It made them feel special.

And loved. 

I’ve never truly bought into the concept of the “emotional bank account” because I think that starts to overgeneralize the complex emotions of women. However, it’s built on a fairly simply concept. If you constantly berate someone, constantly tear them down, they will begin to see themselves as less than they are and worse, they will see themselves as less when you are present. The more you build someone up, the more they will see you as a light in their life, as a respite from the world. 

Isn’t that what we all dream of – the chance to be someone’s hero and build for them, even if its only emotional, a haven from the rest of the world?

Manly men use manly words to build people up and we need to do it every day. Not as a reflexive “I love you” habit, but through a sincere reading of a person that allows us to see how we can honor them. It takes so little to be a force for the positive and it will pay huge dividends in your relationships.

Bear with me, folks. This has been a long series experiment and this post will be the mother of all posts related to earlier said post. Too much posting? For those of you new to the series, this is, as stated, part four of my examination of 100 attraction principles as outlined in the book Why Men Love Bitches. If I have not stated this before, I should note for the record (is there really a record?) that I have not read the book. Nor do I intend to because such books nauseate me. However, I do understand that there are men and women schlepping this pebble who don’t feel they have the world’s greatest insight on relationships and hope that these manifestos will help them bone up. I can tell you from 40 years of experience in dealing with the male-female dictum that you will never, not by the end of your life, get it. Relationships are the most fluid entity on the planet and no matter how many “rules” one might lay out for how to deal with the opposite sex, they are not universal because they deal with emotion and feeling which are as unique to you as fingerprints. Alas, my job is to provide the catalyst for discussion and thought provocation. I hope you find that here.

You can find Part one of the series here. And part deux. And part the third.

76. He’ll never respect you as being able to hold your own unless you can stand on your own two feet financially.

This is always an interesting discussion. Finance, more than any other aspect of merging lives, causes the most downfall – people do not communicate well about money. Especially in relationships. But the short version answer for advice is that what you make is not as important as what you do. If you have a job and its just that – a vehicle to pay the bills, don’t sweat it. A lot of us go that route, especially early in our work life. If you have a passion rather than a job, make sure you demonstrate that passion and he will respect you because you have respect for your chosen passion. If he doesn’t, dump him like a sack of rotten peaches.

77. You have to show that you won’t accept mistreatment. Then you will keep his respect.

You shouldn’t accept mistreatment. This is not just a female thing, however, and it goes back to self-esteem.

78. Your pink slip is maintained when you can stand on your own–with him or without him. He should never feel that you are completely as his mercy.

Again, surrender is merited when both parties surrender to one another. He won’t feel you are at his mercy if he treats your respectfully as his mother hopefully taught him to do. If he Lords things over you, ditch him.

79. When a man views a woman as a “little girl” or a sister he has to take care of, the passion diminishes. He doesn’t want to make love to his sister.

I call BS on this. In the male world, we may not want to make love to our sisters, but the fact that our sister is passingly attractive does not go unnoticed. Further, if most relationships boil down to the affections we had for parents, we are looking for familiar traits in women that echo the traits in the women we grew up with. Plus, there’s a lot of guys into the submissive woman. That does not mean you should be a doormat, but your cuteness will sometimes go a long way.

80. The ability to choose how you want to live, and the ability to choose how you want to be treated are the two things that give you more power than any material object ever will.

True. Other than maybe a taser. That seems to give women a LOT of power. And a big-ass rottweiler. That gives you a ton of power when men realize that dog’s head is huge, full of teeth, and right at crotch level.

81. In a relationship of any kind, if one person feels the other person isn’t bringing anything to the table, he or she will begin to disrespect that person.

While I don’t advocate the “baller/scrub” mentality of modern dating, I will say that the rules of attraction can be confounding at times. We may find ourselves attracted to someone who seems like “a hopeless case” and want to work to restore that person to some perceived glory. We must resist this urge because it causes us to fall into co-dependency. But people can be overlooked for what they provide – emotional support, relief, love – simply because they are not career-oriented or ambitious. Thus, this line must be walked carefully.

82. Financial neediness is no different than emotional neediness; in both instances, he can still get the feeling that he has a 100 percent hold on you.

Many cases have been made for the independent woman. I would suggest that if you are looking for a man because you need to pay rent, you need to move back in with your parents and stop looking for men.

83. Regardless of how pretty a woman is, looks alone will not sustain his respect. Appearance may pull him in, but it is your independence that will keep him turned on.

Actually, it’s a lot of things that will keep him turned on. Sure, independence will be attractive to some. So will laughter. Eagerness in the bedroom. Care. Compassion. Athletics. Love of dogs. Don’t stress too much over this.

84. When a man is very consumed with not being taken advantage of, this is a sign that he’s “on the take.”

I’m not sure this is correct, though it has the probability of signaling that something is wrong. Or the fella has just been hurt by other independent, strong women. That doesn’t make him a robber; it makes him cautious.

85. People will show you they have self-respect simply by virtue of the fact that they want to carry their own weight.

True.

86. The more independent you are of him, the more interested he will be.

As long as you can walk the fine line between independent and distant, sure. But forcing yourself to be independent in order to gain respect or to prove that you are your own woman is simply forcing yourself to be someone you may not be. And you are putting on a front for him that might be confusing. Being independent is one thing; trying to be independent is altogether something else.

87. If you make it too obvious that you’re excited to get something, some people will be tempted to dangle a carrot in front of your face.

And if you bury a statue of a Catholic saint in your front yard, your house might sell faster. I’m not sure where wisdom like this comes from. If you are excited about something, be excited. Genuine emotion is all too rare.

88. When you alter the routine, your not being there is what will make him come around. Men don’t respond to words. What they respond to is no contact.

I honestly think I have seen this earlier in the 100. But men, actually, do respond to words. We just don’t use as many as women do. But we do listen to what you say, especially if you couch it in a way of saying “This is what matters to me.”

89. Don’t give a reward for bad behavior.

Don’t tolerate bad behavior.

90. He simply won’t respect a woman who automatically goes into overdrive to please him.

It depends on the context. We like women who go into overdrive sometimes. But if you are being false, if you are being disingenuine about how you feel in order to create yourself as something you are not, he will leave you. And he should.

91. If he doesn’t give you a time, you don’t have a date.

Fair enough.

92. Often the best way to adjust or fix the problem is by not letting him know it’s being fixed. When you alter your availability or change a predictable routine, it will mentally pull him back in.

Often, the best way to fix a problem is to be honest about a problem. If you don’t think you are seeing your man enough, don’t do something stupid to get his attention like stop communicating with him. If he feels he has to up and “fix” the relationship all the time, it will become that never-ending project like the muscle car in the garage. He’ll see it as work and he’ll let dust gather on it.

93. Once you start laughing, you start healing.

True.

94. You can get away with saying much more with humor than you can with a straight face.

Depending on what you are saying. “I just pushed your Grandma down the stairs” isn’t particularly well-received in either format and both should freak him out.

95. A man feels he’s won, or conqured a woman, when she eats out of the palm of his hand. At which point, he begins to get bored.

If you are with a man who considers you a conquest rather than a potential partner, you need to walk away. Right. Now.

96. The tension that arises with a slightly bitchy woman gives a subtle feeling of danger to a man. He feels slightly unsure because she is never in the palm of his hand.

Actually, women use this descriptor for men as well. The “mystery” is what keeps women coming back. Mystery, rather than true intimacy, leads to insecurity.

97. A “yes” woman who gives too much sends the impression that she belives in the man more than she believes in herself. Men view this as weakness not kindness.

At the same time, we want our women to be proud of us. No matter the situation, we want to believe that you believe in us because that can lift us higher than a thousand compliments from men. We long to know you have our back and that it’s “us against the world.”

98. Be an independent thinker at all times, and ignore anyone who attempts to define you in a limiting way.

Fair enough.

99. Truly powerful people don’t explain why they want respect. They simply don’t engage someone who doesn’t give it to them.

On the other hand, most truly powerful people have earned respect before they walk in the door.

100. The most attractive quality of all is dignity.

Amen.

Final Thoughts

It occurs to me that the author of Why Men Love Bitches has had a romantic life that can be described, at best, as tumultuous. It also strikes me that she runs in a circle of highly professional men who have a leaning towards aloofness, career-drive, and nightly romantic conquests. Of course, I could be way off base, but this is the general feeling I get as I read through 100 points of disdain for women who are perceived as weak. But we must remember that the perception of weaker women is one that lingers from our caveman days when the roles of hunter-gatherer men and women who birth, raise and cook were the societal ideals. I am sure that the first priestess in those groups to emerge was reviled as breaking all the male-created stereotypes of the day. It also probably turned on a number of the menfolk. Just sayin.

The bottom line to relationships is respect, but that is such a nebulous idea when two people are entering the dating arena. It’s a an uneasy position for both of them fueled by feelings they can’t quite define. It’s like standing on a rope bridge made out of wax; it seems firm and may hold our weight but our foot might go right through the bridge on the next step. Or it could be a hot day and bridge is melting. Insert any of a dozen wax-related analogies here. The truth is that we never know what we are doing so we must endeavor to raise up the person across the dinner table from us. If we all start from a position of mutual respect and slowly reveal ourselves, we should be well-received. If we are not, that person is not right for us. Overthinking something like relationships that exist only in the most tenuous of positions can move you into a constant state of worry. In doing so, you abandon yourself and strive to be someone you think the other person wants you to be. But that’s often a false read on the situation and leads to more pain that you could ever imagine. The other person will eventually suss out what you are doing and feel like you have put up a false front, which you did. When they confront you, you will feel betrayed because you put so much effort into the relationship.

You both end up feeling stung. 

So, to sum up:

Men: Respect her at all times. Listen to her. Protect her. Show her affection. Above all, be honest with her and toss out all of these notions of what you think women should be and appreciate the amazing creature she is.

Women: Stop playing stupid games. We hate it. We’re not some project that needs to be manipulated for us to love and respect you. We are guys. And despite the stereotypes, we can listen, respond and care without some underlying ploy. Don’t ever – and I mean ever – base your self-worth on the opinions of other people. You are magical, wonderful, intelligent, sexy, beautiful and courageous. And if anyone tells you otherwise, set that Rottweiler i mentioned earlier on them.

This is the third part and second continuation of my ‘Tackling Bitchy” series in which I address the 100 attraction principles found in the book Why Men Love Bitches. You can read the first post here.

 

51. The relationship may not be right for you if you find yourself jumping through hoops. When something is right, it will feel easier and much more effortless.

Absolutely true. Which presents just a big heaping helping of irony when you consider this list, which seems to be all about the hoops.

52. When you nag, he tunes you out. But when you speak with your actions, he pays attention.

Doesn’t everyone tune out naggers?

53. When a man takes a woman for granted, he still looks for reassurance that she is still “right there.”

True.

54. When the routine becomes predictable, he’s more likely to give you the same type of love he had for his mother–and the odds that he will take you for granted increase.

I think the odds that we take a partner for granted increase daily in any relationship. That’s why we call it a relation-SHIP. Like a regular ship, if we fail to steer it, pay attention to the way the wind is blowing, make sure the engine runs well and keep up with maintenance, the ship fails. The idea of the mother-lovin’ is a bit disturbing. I cannot personally recall loving ANY woman like my mother.

55. Negative attention is still attention. It lets a man know that he has you–right where he wants you.

Ok.

56. When you treat him casually as though he’s a friend, he’ll come your way. Because he wants things to be romantic, but he also wants to be the pursuer.

Sometimes. Men like to be pursued, too. Don’t buy in to too much of the movie-style stereotypes being thrown about here. Not all men are commitment-fearing apes.

57. A little distance combined with the appearance of self-control makes him nervous that he may be losing you.

And is that what you want? A man feeling insecure about the relationship you have? Because that’s not a foundation for true intimacy. It’s a foundation for distrust. Seriously, WTF?

58. A man takes a woman for granted when he’s interested, but will no longer go out of his way.

So he will no longer go out of his way to take a woman for granted? I think a man who takes a woman for granted will take a woman for granted at any depth. Because he’s a tool, not a man.

59. When you nag, you become the problem, and he deals with it by tuning you out. But when you don’t nag, he deals with the problem.

He may also deal with the problem if YOU present it as a problem. Men are, by nature, fixers. We like to fix things, even those of us who don’t grasp which end of the power tool to hold.

60. If you take his chores away from him and praise someone else for doing it, he’ll want his chores back.

Unless he’s happy to have someone else do his chores. For example, its my job to clean the house. When I have maids do it, I don’t cry about it. I’m damn happy they cleaned the house. Also, I don’t own huge ladders. Therefore, I hire men to come and clean my gutters. My wife praises them for doing a great job. That stirs absolutely…nothing in me. I’d rather they fight the hobgoblin of my gutters than me.

61. When you nag, he sees weakness.

Or he just sees nagging. So don’t do it.

62. He perceives an emotional woman as more of a pushover.

Perhaps, but many men see emotional women as compassionate.

63. In the same way that familiarity breeds contempt, a slightly aloof demeanor can often renew his respect.

Or make him ask why you are grumpy. Because aloofness in a relationship doesn’t come across as aloofness…it comes across as “something is wrong.”

64. He’ll forget what he has in you, unless you remind him.

I’d use this as a case for doing your best to invest yourself in the relationship. We should all make efforts to remind the other that we care about them and their value to us. Today, I put a little note in my wife’s pajamas she was packing for a business trip. When she arrived at her destination and pulled out her pajamas, she found the note. It made her night. It took me five minutes, but it reminded her that I loved her and was thinking about her. We don’t have to go over the top to show others that we care. Sometimes, we can use Napoleon’s plan: we just show up.

65. Many women talk a lot out of nervousness–which is something that men will often perceive as insecurity.

Heh, I just think women talk a lot. Period.

66. Talking about feelings to a man will feel like work. When he’s with a woman, he wants it to feel like fun.

Sure, I think everyone feels this way. But I talk about feelings, too, especially when comes to areas in which I want my wife’s feedback. Because she’s brilliant.

67. Forcing him to talk about feelings all the time will not only make you seem needy, it will eventually make him lose respect. And when he loses respect, he’ll pay even less attention to your feelings.

Doing any activity the same way over and over will engender a sense of contempt, no?

68. In the beginning, the only thing you need to pay attention to is whether he keeps coming around, because he’ll only be able to suspend or hide his emotions for so long.

With caution, I can say this is mostly true.

69. Men treat women the way they treat other men. They “play it cool: because they don’t want to appear weak or desperate.

I do not treat women like I treat men. I don’t believe most men do that.

70. The element of suprise both inside and outside of the bedroom is important to men, and it adds to the excitement.

This is true of all sexual relationships whether you are male or female.

71. Don’t always do the same thing over and over in the bedroom. Vary it so that it doesn’t become a predictable routine.

See above.

72. Most men tend to disrespect a woman who appears to be too malleable.

True, we like “spirit.” But we would like that in a man relationship, too.

73. Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself or speak your mind. It will not only earn his respect, in some cases it will even turn him on.

This should be your personality even when not in a relationship.

74. Men often automatically assume that a bitchier woman will be more assertive in bed, and that a nice girl will be more timid.

Well, we typically assume that an aggressive woman will be aggressive in or out of the sack. However, some of the most amusing surprises in the bedroom have come from those who appear to be the librarian and turn out to be quite the opposite.

75. When a man falls in love, suddenly he’ll go out of his way and think nothing of it. He’ll do things for this woman he wouldn’t have done for anyone else.

I think this is true of anyone who falls in love.

Great quote from a recent HuffPo article:

“Part of the reason that Robsten doesn’t matter to me, however, is that I am not a young woman today, and I’m glad that I’m not. For any girl growing up who pays attention to the media, it’s a terrifying time to understand what it means to be a girl in society. From Rush Limbaugh, they’ve learned that they are prostitutes and “sluts” for wanting birth control and healthy reproductive options for women. From Todd Akin, they’ve learned that their bodies can magically judo chop any unwanted side effects of rape and that women somehow can be “illegitimately” raped. From Paul Ryan, they’ve learned that rape is just “another method of conception,” which should be news to the makers of the Kama Sutra. And then Rape Culture Super-Defender Mike Huckabee chimed in by saying that “rape can create extraordinary people,” because young women everywhere desperately needed his opinion on this issue. Thanks, Huck.”

First, Mike Huckabee is a fool. Which is a sad statement, because Huckabee is actually a very likable, erudite man. Apparently, though, with his foot in his mouth.

Second, all young women should read this article, which can be found here.

Third, we then all need to take a breath.

I think what the article here glosses over is that the Stewart was wrong. It’s not a cause to launch a massive negative media campaign about here and come up with trendy and genius names, constantly embarrassing her and endangering her career. What should put her career in danger is that she is the worst actress of all time, and that includes that drag queen chick from Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. But I digress.

As the article clearly points out, there’s a lot of older white guys like me telling all of the young women in America what to do with their bodies and how we’ll judge them based on the actions they take in life. But in that, some basic lessons are being overlooked. I personally don’t care who Kristen Stewart dates, has sex with, or goes skeet shooting with. It’s just not on my radar. However, I do teach young women in discipleship classes and I worry that the lack of consideration of role model behavior – like Stewart’s – is a problem given her teen idol status. And it’s an important discussion to have.

Whether male or female, cheating on your girlfriend/spouse/ whatever is wrong. Just plain wrong. Even if the relationship you are in is dead or destructive, you need to exit that relationship cleanly before starting up romance with another. This is a pretty simple concept. It goes to the honor of young men and women, a consideration we have all but buried in the modern age. A man or woman who will cheat with you, knowing you are in another relationship, is dishonoring not just you, but your significant other.

And if they will dishonor you for something as freely given as sex, they will dishonor you in many, many other areas. But get that first point through your head – if he will cheat with you, he likely doesn’t respect you. So why would you want to be with that person? Your self-esteem should be greater than that.

Relationships of all kinds are about trust. It’s not about free love, polyamory, or anything else you want to play it off as – its about trusting the other person. If you want to have multiple lovers, you better make that clear to the one you are dating because their agenda – right or wrong – may just differ on that point. If you respect them, you will be honest with them.

By the way, unlike the author of this article, I don’t consider infidelity a “mistake.” It’s not like you were walking across a room, tripped over a bump in the rug and accidentally had sex with someone. It doesn’t work that way. It’s a choice, plain and clear. If you make that choice, you are not making a mistake, you are deliberately saying that your current relationship has less value than the act you are undertaking.

I listened once to a great interview with former heavy metal rocker Alice Cooper. Despite hundreds of concerts on dozens of tours, Cooper remained faithful to his wife. Asked how he did it, he gave a very literate and common sense response. He said that his relationship with his wife (now of 36 years) was a deep, romantic coupling. He responded to the question with a question – why would anyone trade 5 minutes of orgasmic bliss with a one-night stand for the entire relationship developed over years that has a much more exciting, and emotionally deeper sexual component? It just didn’t make sense to him.

Stay frosty, men. Because women want you.

Apparently, this is news to us – that women have any kind of sex drive whatsoever. I know it was a huge discovery for me when I found out I was the product of sex and it really altered my view of my parents. Because if there were two people on the planet I deemed least likely to gettin’ it on, it was Mom and Dad. Luckily, my perception of their love life never bothered them, and they went right on with the lovin’ until after 38 years of marriage, Dad passed away. He was a man’s man, that man.

The fact that women are just as likely to be interested in making the beast with two backs is not news, though from the hype over book series like “50 Shades of Grey” and the male strippapalooza “Magic Mike,” we’re treating this as if women have just awoken from a 2000-year-old coma because they heard the jangling of bondage chains and g-strings.

Yet there’s not much difference between the female creature and me when I was a about 14 years old. Back then, we didn’t speak openly of thing like “Mommy Porn,” the new nomenclature for books like “50 Shades.” We just had regular porn. Most of it, at least for teen boys, was rooted in magazines like Playboy and Penthouse and 40-year-old sex manuals our fathers kept around. (Yep, believe it or not, there was tons of sex – with women, even! – during World War II). For me, the best cache of pictures of naked women (or nekkid women, for you Louis Grizzard fans) was located in my neighbor’s garage. Luckily for me, he kept his garage open and it gave me the chance to go all ninja and make off with magazines from his seemingly vast collection of “Gentlemen’s magazines.” Because, after all, only Gentlemen had the right to look at naked women and entertain the prospect of having sex with them. I entertained a lot of prospects in those formative years.

That said, I don’t think viewing such things scarred me for life. It did, however, give me unrealistic expectations when it came to making the transition to having actual sex. In some of these magazines, women were depicted in word, deed and pictorial as lust-hungry co-eds who basically spent every day seeking to serve my every desire. Yet, we know, clearly, from just about every teen movie ever made that things like that don’t happen, right? They don’t. If you get your hopes up that raiding that Sorority house will lead you to some magical land of pillow fights that end up with you and sixteen sisters getting it on, I’m here to burst that bubble. Stop sniffling, bro. Time to keep it real.

Which is what these movies and books don’t do. They depict people in situations that we desire in our fantasy lives. We can be very different people inside our minds than we are on the outside, and what stimulates us sexually in the fantasy realm does not necessarily stimulate us in the realm of reality. I’ve seen a number of good Christian women stand up and call out “Magic Mike” and “50 Shades” as trash and declare it to be nothing more than their gender’s counterpart to internet porn. While I cannot personally make that kind of mental long-distance jump, I get their point. If they are going to stand up and declare the visual degradation of women harmful to their men, they cannot turn around and take a front-row seat at a movie about male strippers and have any footing to stand on.

Most of these same women have suggested that they simply put “a little more time into their marriage,” which is admirable. You’ll never find me telling Christian women – or any women for that matter – not to spend more time sweating and moaning with their husbands. But I think it has to go far beyond that. We have to recognize that sex is not a bad thing, and we have to avoid telling our kids that it is. Sure, we don’t want little Jenny coming home preggers at 16, but we don’t want little Jenny freezing up in the bedroom when she’s 24 and married. We want her to be happy.This means we need to have rather frank conversations about sex with the young folk. Couch it however you like and interject your own morals on the issue, but there should be a huge amount of time talking about how to communicate with your lover. In the same way that we screw up marriages over a lack of communication about finances, we screw up marriages because both partners are afraid to address sexual issues at home. Which leads to Magic Mike or 50 Shades. Or affairs. Or all of the above.

Listen, I’m not implying that watching Magic Mike is going to make your wife of seven years hit the streets looking for a new Casanova with a rigid six-pack, but I am saying that if there’s a strong desire to look for desire outside of the bedroom, there may be an issue and it needs to be confronted. Now. Not later. Because later is when you and your divorce attorney are going over all the things you could have done to save the marriage.

Women are a lot like bacon, and you KNOW how much we like bacon! (Spouse: I don’t think of you as bacon, but I’m relating to men here, not chicks, so I’m working the visual angle. Love, me.) So now you’re asking, “Mark, how can I get a woman made of bacon?” You’re getting ahead, so slow down there, Turbo. There are lots of types of bacon and pretty much no one cooks it the same way. Some like it with lots of fat, some like it nice and lean. (See the metaphor evolving?) Some like Fatback, some like Center-cut, some like hickory-smoked and some like pre-cooked, wrapped bacon. At the end of the day, what type of bacon and how you cook it is irrelevant, save to you and the bacon. If you don’t keep an eye on your bacon, it burns. If you don’t keep an eye on your relationship, YOU are going to get burned. You spent a lot of time over the years cultivating your love of bacon just as you spent a fair amount of time wooing your spouse. Woo your bacon. Woo your spouse. The wooing shouldn’t stop just because you have her in the frying pan. Ok, maybe the bacon analogy has dragged on a bit far, but you hopefully see the point. You have to talk about sex with your bacon…er, your wife. And you need to be willing to trying things in the bedroom that may seem unlike what you have experienced previously. At the end of the day, your sex life belongs to you and her. It doesn’t involve anyone else (unless you are polyamorous. If so, we think you people are just plain greedy, but you probably have your issues under control.) but you and the woman. Or man, depending on your flow.

Sex increases mental agility, is a cardiovascular workout, reduces stress and makes us feel good. Ok, it makes us feel awesome, but that’s not the point. Or really, it is the point. We have done a lot in our society to make sex a bad thing. It can be, if used in an unhealthy way. We’ve all seen too many episodes of “To Catch A Predator” not to understand that sex can lead down some dark roads. But that’s a huge debate about the dark nature of humanity rather than a frank conversation about sex with your spouse. A great deal of that is the connection with your partner. Sound like BS? Trust me, that deep connection with the person you love makes for great sex. Or don’t trust me. There’s only like a thousand or so studies out there backing me up on this. Men, even we can drop our inner Neanderthal for a moment and have a deep emotional connection with our spouses. And that’s what we need to be seeking in our lives. A real relationship. How do I know? Besides being married to the same woman for 16 years? Because I totally found a page in the Chick Manual and let me tell you, it was instructive. Here’s the skinny:

1. The more you put into a relationship, the more it will benefit you by default.

2. The more time you spend with her, talking with her, relating to her, the more she will want to be around you.

3. The more she thinks you dig her, the more likely she will be in the mood for sex with you.

4. The little things you do to surprise her – like flowers on a non-holiday – or even a little note telling her she’s beautiful, go a long way in the relationship bank. The more full that bank gets, the more she will want to have sex with her husband.

5. The more time you invest into communicating with her about her desires and making her feel great in the bedroom will result in you finding that she’s doing the same.