BRO TO BRO: WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT VAGINAS AND OTHER MYSTERIOUS LADYPARTS

Posted: 08/07/2012 in Uncategorized

I love “teh womens.” And by that, I mean “I love women,” and by that, one woman in particular who has managed to live with me now for nearly 18 years without setting me on fire while I sleep. That’s a huge accomplishment, because if you know me at all, you likely have that urge a lot. (To set me on fire, not sleep.) Anyway, this is not about me. 

It’s about vaginas

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The forbidden lands! What treasure may lie there…

When I started this blog, I promised it would not be overtly political because that’s not what this is about. Sure, being politically active is a high-minded pursuit for we men, but it usually distracts from the topic at hand. This time, it’s bound to get a little political, but only from the perspective that women’s health is a colossal issue that you should take the time to get to know. And despite what you think, it’s not all about the vagina. Though, it kinda is. Lemme do some ‘splainin.

First, we’ve had more discussions in the last year about the anatomical amusement park that is a woman’s body and who can purchase tickets to that venue than we have in about the last 20 years. But it’s a good thing. Second, you should thank your president for bringing vaginas to the forefront of the national discussion. (He totally said “vagina.” Probably.) The Affordable Care Act, also known as Obamacare, has provisions in it that many find controversial.I, for one, do not when it comes to guaranteeing healthcare for women. 

Why? Anyone familiar with the phrase “If Momma ain’t happy, nobody’s happy?” After 16 years of marriage, I get that concept way too well. For you younger men, pay attention. It may seem like you are giving up man points here, but trust me, its far more Machiavellian to head off problems long before they become problems than to blindly suffer the wrath of an unhappy woman.

You think talking to them now is tough? Try doing it while their hoo-hoo is on fire because its sick. You’ll be channeling Schwarzenegger and screaming “Get to tha choppah” as you run screaming from the room.

While individuals in the talk media have made this issue about sex, they’re only half-right. Granted, the ACA does provide for contraceptive consultation and prescription, which is all about sex. It’s also about lessening cramps and related symptoms of the menstrual cycle which can hit women hard. You call it the ugly red monster’; women call it a “license to kill.” And for good reason – the women I have dated and known throughout my life have suffered from a wide spectrum of issues related to menstruation. I’ve watched them go through massive mood swings, depression, weight gain, intense abdominal cramping, migraines, abdominal swelling, upset gastroenterological processes and massive chocolate cravings. (Not just for Dementors anymore!) Many of these issues are caused by hormonal imbalances that can be modified by the proper contraceptive prescription. Just because a woman is on birth control doesn’t mean she’s a slut; in truth, she may not want to have sex at all. She may just want a cease fire between the crazed biological processes that make women…well, women.

In addition, such preventative healthcare picks up on and provides counseling for sexually-transmitted diseases. Remember the hoo-hoo on fire comment? (Hoo-Hoo on Fire – great name for a band.)  If you want to be around women, you don’t want them constantly complaining about how their nether regions are transforming into angry woodland creatures. (Notice how I could have said “beaver” there and totally resisted it? Mom would be proud.)

But apart from the sexual realm are things like urinary tract infections, screening and counseling for diseases like HIV, HPV (human papillomavirus) and gestational diabetes. pregnancy and breastfeeding counseling, screening for interpersonal violence issues and well-woman office visits related to the general function of the va-jay-jay, boobies and every other body part we snicker at when mentioned in public. 

In the words of the great philosopher Robin Williams, the reason we do just about everything on the planet is: to woo women. Women will not want to woo if their hoo-hoo is not currently woo-hooing properly. So before we get on our collective guy soapboxes and talk about how the whole issue with contraceptive health issues in the ACA devolves down to the fact that “she’s gotta have it,” let us consider for just a moment that the issues are just never that simple. Also, the next time a state legislator like Lisa Brown of the Michigan House of Representatives has the courage to mention her vagina from the House floor, we should all listen closely to what she has to say. 

Because I bet it will involve the word “vagina.”

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