My Mother-in-Law’s Manhood is Bigger Than: Wisconsin State Senator Glenn Grothman

Posted: 07/18/2012 in Uncategorized

I’m introducing a new feature this week. I had planned this kind of profile and have been working on a few candidates, but Glenn here rose to the top by being in the news not once, but twice in recent months for showing that his head was firmly planted up his ass. Now, you might say that it’s easy to take potshots at a man who has his dome so deeply implanted in his rectum that he won’t see them coming, but stay with me and by the end of this rant, you’ll be urging me to kick the guy so hard his inner child will cry.

So Glenn’s made it to the Senate in Wisconsin, and we have all heard how well that’s going right? But that’s another story. Sort of. In the same way that Glenn wants to make sure voters basically show up with their Wisconsin home, a birth certificate, a note from their 3rd grade teacher and two witnesses just so that they can vote, he’s decided to become the champion of children in his state. 

But before that, let me tell you a couple of things about Glenn Grothman. Glenn is a bachelor, which likely won’t surprise you. He’s never been married and he’s never had children.

Yet, with his vast experience in marital bliss and childrearing, he’s decided that women who are physically abused by their husbands should remain married and that single moms are incapable of raising children. In fact, he says that just by being a single mom is tantamount to child abuse.

Seriously. No, really. Stop laughing.

Glenn has written in the past that he believes the government (you can find these links in the above article) is actively creating social programs that deter women from getting married. I can totally agree because all of the people who I’ve run into in the last year who wanted to get married decided to call it quits because the prospect of food stamps and some WIC vouchers were so much more attractive…ok, perhaps you can taste the sarcasm, but it does give us some insight into the vast, empty cavern that is Glenn Grothman’s mind. And this guy, believe it or not, is the Assistant Majority Leader in the Wisconsin Senate.

So, all of you moms out there, because hey, he specifically mentions you even though the law would require “the Child Abuse and Neglect Prevention Board to emphasize nonmarital parenthood as a contributing factor to child abuse and neglect.” He said that fathers are the primary preventers of abuse and neglect in the home and without a father, children are subject to a life without structure and discipline.

So, I’d like to introduce you to my mother-in-law. 

In many ways she’s just awesome. Mostly for raising my wife. As a single mom. You see, my mother in law didn’t wait for a guy to pick up her wrecked life and right it. She didn’t lose all control of her household and she didn’t ignore her child so that she was neglected and abused. In fact, her daughter has three college degrees – the last of which was a Ph.D. How many people have that degree? Less than 2 percent of the educated public.That’s right, peeps – I married well.

Were things easy for them while my wife was growing from child to adult? No, her former husband left her destitute and with a child to raise because his manhood is just about as small as it could be. However, she knew she had a responsibility to that child. It was more than love; it was duty. So she worked long hours and remained with the same company so her daughter would have stability. She suffered through debilitating diseases that often kill others and still worked her ass off to make a life for the two of them.

This situation was created, by the way, by the father who then completely neglected his daughter. So in the very first case that rose to mind, this idea that men are the only champions of dignity and family is proven false. 

I have another friend who was raised by a single mom, grew up with incredible artistic talent in Photography and has been a wedding photographer (irony, no?) whose work has won multiple awards. Now, she is mental, but that’s for completely different reasons. My point is that these young women were not neglected by their parents – they were RAISED by them. We talk of parenting, but in many ways, the concept of “raising” a child, lifting them beyond where they are now to a greater height, has often been a concept I have seen in single-parent homes. Unlike the “razing” of children Glenn assumes is taking place across America. 

In his state, more than one-third of the households contain single parents. Many of these parents have never been married. That fact seems to escape Glenn. So this is an issue that has an effect on a large number of Glenn’s constituency. He should do something about it, but rather than demonizing the men and women who are trying to raise kids on their own, perhaps he should make it easier for them to find jobs, keep a home, get a tax break or find better education for their kids. I mean, when he’s not trying to tear down education.

To be fair to Glenn, who will likely have to visit his proctologist so that he can see again, (Headfromassectomy. In German, it’s largely unpronounceable, though I hear its a popular sex practice there. In Norwegian, it’s simply referred to as an “asshat.” Norway. So uncomplicated.) he’s got a long history with children and legislation. He wants to defund Kindergarten programs because they have no intrinsic educational value and believes that sex education shouldn’t be taught in school because teachers all have a gay agenda. 

In defence of men, we CAN be champions. We can stay with women when our relationships fail, if that’s a healthy choice. Many of us just walk away instead of choosing the hard road. In many instances, if we become the champion of women, not just the ones we are seeing romantically, but all women, I think we can avoid many of these problems. But to say that without us, women are essentially incapable of raising children “except under certain circumstances” as Glenn would have us believe, is just complete and utter crap.

Amazingly, Glenn and I do agree on something. I’d love to see everyone in two-parent homes. Not only do I think it’s better for the child, I think it takes some of the stress of the parents, as well, to have a partner to live with, to share highs and lows with and to share the challenge of raising children. Because that’s not a task you take lightly. It takes great big, sparkly, mirrored golden balls the size of musk oxen to raise children. So, for you women out there doing it on your own, I salute you for having the balls Glenn Grothman is clearly without.

In my beloved South, we’d simply say “Bless your heart, Glenn.” Which, if you didn’t guess, is Southern parlance for “Sorry your head is so far up your ass, sweetheart.” 

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